4 Days until Beta

I'm a big walking contradiction during the two week wait.

I know, logically, that even at 6dp5dt (the analogy of 11 days past ovulation in the IVF world) it's highly unlikely that I should "feel" pregnant. In fact, when supporting my friends going through this in THEIR two week waits, I always coach them into not peeing on sticks and not worrying if they don't feel anything.

But when it comes to myself, all logic goes out the window. I feel like I should just feel something by now, right? RIGHT? Because I KNOW my body and I KNOW that when I finally get pregnant I KNOW that it will tell me, right away.... right? RIGHT?

Come on body, give me a sign!!!!!!!!!

And no, I'm not going to pee on a stick.

Ah the two week wait... I know you well.

Re-entry into the 2 week (actually 10 day) wait.

These last few days have seemed like a year. We have been so busy and so emotionally on high that maybe this could finally work, I feel like I have been walking on air. Right now, I'm trying to regain that walking on air feeling, but the entry into the 2ww brings back a TON of negative feelings and fear that I haven't had to deal with since the last time we were in the 2ww, back in ... APRIL!! It's been a while, for sure.

Let me recap.

Last Thursday, Dotty 2.0 had her retrieval. You can read about my thoughts here. (day 0)

Friday, we found out about our great fertilization report: 18 mature, 16 fertilized. (day1)

Then, this weekend, we were out of town while Tidy ran a marathon. It was such a fun time to put away the worries of what was happening to our embryos. And, I must say, he kicked some major ass! It was a bit hot for the marathon and he still made the time he wanted, under 4 hours. Can you stay, STUD?!?  I was impressed, for sure. My sister and I actually put on our running clothes and ran between some of the mile on the course to get to certain points to see him. The course was all over the place, so the spectators could get from, say, mile 17 to mile 20 by walking a mile. It was fun to get a little work out in while all of those incredibly awesome people were running. I always feel a bit jealous of people doing those things when I'm not. I've put that part of myself aside these past few years in order to work on getting pregnant, and while I don't regret it, I hope some day I can really get back into triathlons and such.

Anyways, the rest of the embryo updates go something like this: 
day 2 - 18 growing (?!), 13 grade A
day 3 - 20 growing (?!?!?), 12 grade A (see our excitement???)
day 4 - 11 growing, 8 grade A
day 5 (today) - 9 growing, 1 grade A.... ONE. GRADE. A.... ugh.

How do things change so fast? I don't understand. I do know that many clinics grade the embryos differently. And our clinic graded the one at A because it was an "expanded" blastocyst, vs the other B's which were still just "full" blastocysts. I also know that they don't mention anything about fragmentation within their grading... so I'm really not sure what to make of this.

Mostly, after the last few blissful days, of feeling like this truly could be our chance, I am not back to feeling skeptical and worried, a bit.

This whole time I've been saying I would be happy with having  2 to transfer and a few to freeze, preferably about 4. But after that high of so many great embryos, I feel let down.

Tidy surely did too. I felt so bad to see his reaction to our doctor's news that we only had 1 grade A embryo today. She said she was disappointed that it wasn't clear to her if we should transfer 2 or 3. Ie, she was hoping for at least 2 big fat A's.

The next big test will be tomorrow's update. Hoping that some of the 7 that we have left growing will make it to the freezer. Please, please send good strong thoughts to those 7 still in their little petri dish home in hopes that they want to continue to grow and become part of our family.

Well, and of course that goes without saying for the two that are in my body now.

We are officially "pregnant" today with 2 beautiful embryos... and I hope they decide to say.

Also, thank you dearly to my followers and friends who have been so excited for us these past few days and given us support. It means so much to know that so many of you are pulling for us out there. Big big hugs.

Calm Before the Storm

There's always this nice calm before the storm hits on Beta day for me. I usually go to the clinic in the morning at about 7:30 and give blood. I know the results will appear on the web portal I can log into somewhere before 10am. I also know I will receive a phone call from either a nurse (if positive) or the RE (if negative or unclear). But I am usually at work that day and so I choose not to look online OR answer my phone. Its pretty crazy, I know, but I works for me. I just couldn't stand getting any kind of bad or iffy news at work, even with my own office.

So after making through the work day, I drive home and wait to meet Tidy so we can look online together at the result and then listen to the voicemail. But before we actually look online, a calm usually washes over me. I'm not sure why. I think its because I know my life is about to change and I am going to experience an emotional on-slaught either way. And somehow, that simple moment before knowing is very peaceful. Its very alive and real and I wish I had more words to describe it. Does that make any sense?

Well, today was no different. Same deal. Didn't answer the phone, didn't listen to the voice mail, didn't check online, drove home, got on the computer, Tidy got home, and we logged in, just waiting to get it over with so we could move on, open a bottle of wine and pretend its just any other day. Because after all, there's no way in hell this worked.

But then we saw a number that was NOT zero.

My beta is 25.3

Hmmmm. I'm not sure what to make of it. Technically we are pregnant, but I was hoping for something, say, in the range of 200. At 16dpo, 25.3 just seems a bit low.

So we wait more, and we go back in on Wednesday, and we pray that if there's a little guy or gal holding on in there, that they decide to stick around this time, because I know that we would be so very happy to have them stay.... so very very happy.

More Moments in the 2ww

Here are a few random snippets from a desperate mind during it's 2ww:

• 9dpo - I've been dizzy for the past few days. THIS WORKED! OUR NIGHTMARE IS OVER. CELEBRATE!
• 10dpo - Dizziness is a bit less. OK, WELL, SYMPTOMS COME AND GO. OUR NIGHTMARE IS STILL  OVER (MAYBE)
• 11dpo - Nothing.. Back to normal. Crying on my way to work, again. EPIC FAIL. MY BODY IS A FAILURE. I WILL NEVER BE PREGNANT. WE SHOULD JUST SELL OUR HOUSE, QUIT OUR JOBS AND MOVE TO A NEW COUNTRY AND LIVE ON THE BEACH

Seriously. These last two days have been awful. I'm panicky, I can't focus on anything else other than just knowing what the result will be and moving on. Today, I feel like this has failed. Please spare me comments about how not everyone feels symptoms before they test positive. I don't buy it. I know how  my body reacts when I have a trigger shot in it (HCG). I know my body too well. It's doing all those wonderful things it does about 5 or so days before I usually get  my period: Skin break out, a bit more oily skin, boobs are getting a bit smaller...

I know a few days ago I said I had some calmness in me about this, but not now. I'm a mess.

I was talking with a fellow IVF vet the other day and we agreed, this is pretty much how the 2ww goes. We can break the emotional roller coaster up into about 4 segments:

1. Calm, peaceful hope
2. Despair, no way this worked
3. As beta gets closer, just a few days before, DELUSIONAL HOPE sets in! YES! It worked!
4. Failed cycle, earth shattering sadness, have to figure out how to pick up pieces.... again. Is this really my life?

I think I'm in the #2 right now. Despair, no way this worked... but I don't foresee #3 being on my radar... not after how I'm feeling today. I've done this too many times. So #4, here we come...

Moments in the 2ww

Some moments, I feel like this could work.

Most moments, I feel like this has failed and we're gonna have to figure out a plan B.

But the best moments right now are when I realize that for the last 'x' many hours or so,  I haven't thought about it... at... all!! I love when work is busy during the two week wait.

One week down. One to go. The easy half is over and I'm staring the hard half in the face, trying to figure out how to proceed through it... Pee on lots of sticks? Over-analyze any and all twitch and or feeling that isn't really normal? Stare at the toilet paper every time I wipe?

I think for now, I'll just try to breathe.

Dirty Slate

My clean slate I wrote about a few days ago got dirty today.

I'm angry and worried. I know what I wrote about worrying and I will try not to worry, but I think today my hope is just low. I was driving to work and instead of listening to my usual NPR Morning Edition, I turned on some more angry tunes that I have in my collection and just belted it out... I'm angry at myself today for believing that this could work. Why should I believe that? It hasn't yet. So why should it now?

I see this though a lot in many repeat IVF-ers in the infertility world: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

I'm insane.

(Welcome back emotional roller coaster of the 2ww... I loathe you :-) )

Clean Slate

Its funny.

This is my 6th transfer... yup....6th.

I have a lot of pain and sadness and anger from the fact that were are in a place that I never though we'd get to.

But there's also a part of me that can easily let go of those memories and wipe the slate clean. Its strange. While I don't have the same giddy, naive certainty that this is going to work, no problem, like I did when I went through my first IVF about 2 years ago, I still feel hope. I still feel like this really COULD work. I'm not sure how likely it is, but the fact that it COULD work gives me enough to focus on these next two weeks.

Its a strange calmness that I feel.

This calmness is new. I'm not sure if it's coming from the experience of going through this struggle and knowing that freaking out during the 2ww doesn't help any, or if its an inner calmness coming from something else.. some deeper wisdom... or the fact that most of the people I know in real life, save for a few friends, don't know about this at all.

Here's a quote a wonderful and dear friend of mine shared with me (Thanks Mags):

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength".

As always, I like to remind myself in the 2ww that no matter what, Tidy and I are strong and have survived through to this point. And we will survive through this cycle as well.

Fears, Dreams and French Pastries

Last night I slept terribly. Well, I slept most of the first half of the night, but I was tossing and turning, wondering if we were making the right decision or not to transfer these 3 day2 embryos.

I also woke up around 4am from a strange dream. It wasn't all that strange, but there was this feeling in it that I can't quite put my finger on...I dreamed that I was holding a baby...  my baby, I think...on my stomach and it was fast asleep and the baby kept squeezing me, holding on to me tight. It felt great... But then my sister told me that I shouldn't hold her like that, it might cause the baby to lose circulation (where does my mind come UP with this stuff, huh?) And I felt bad, like I was doing something wrong, like I was second guessing my ability to be a mom. (And what does my sister know? None of them are mothers yet either)

I think I still fear that I will be a terrible mother sometimes. But it's interesting because in real life, I feel strong. I feel like I can carry a baby in my body and I can go through the pain of labor and come through a victor. But I worry that I won't be a good caretaker of my baby. Not necessarily as an infant, but as a child, when they start emotionally interacting with me, and as a teen, when they need discipline and love, in a way that helps them learn from their mistakes... I think some of this fear comes from issues I have with my mom and my relationship as I was growing up. During times when her bipolar disease was very active, most of the time I really struggled being around here. I missed having a mom that I thought I should have and wanted one that was different, one that was emulated by my friend's and Tidy's moms. And so I did a lot to not be around her much. And I feel guilty for that. I'll expand more on this later, but its something that I must still carry with me as it surfaces here and there.

Last night I was also worrying about what to do if this fails. I usually have a plan B and this time I certainly don't. We can't decide what our next steps should be. All that I see on the horizon should this fail is a lot more money. Money that we don't have. Money that we'll have to go into debt for. That's now how I want to bring a child into this world! (Although, yes, I know, many children are born to parents who are in debt...) But we have been able, to this point, not go into too much debt with our fertility stuff which I feel very fortunate for.

Here I was, just a few days ago, all nice and calm, and happy with a little surprise that we get to move our FET up a bit instead of being sidelined for a month, and now, the fear has set in. The fear of the 2ww, the fear that we aren't taking the necessary steps to give us the best chance. The fear that we have wasted money on this last cycle without learning anything. If I had to do this all over again, I would have grown all of our embryos out to day 5 and done genetic testing so at least we would have had some knowledge about weather or not our embryos could even make it and give us more information on if we need donor eggs or not.

And now, if this fails, and decide to go move forward to something else, I'm not comfortable going to donor eggs because we STILL don't know if it's my eggs or if it's my uterus.... FUCK... I feel like I wasted a whole crap ton of $$.

So there's a lot of fear with this one my friends and I will try my hardest to let the fear go and hold onto the hope that regardless of what is or isn't wrong with my uterus or my eggs, we still have a chance... We have 4 chances in fact.

And here I type, PUPO  with 3 day2 embryos and potentially a 4th from my ovulated follicle. Transfer was this morning at 10:30 am.  My acupuncturist came with to do a pre and post transfer session and even brought along some pastries from an amazing french baker in town. Yeah, I know... pastries are NOT what the Chinese medical doctor ordered, but at the point of a 4th IVF, 6th transfer, I'm throwing all rules out the window.

Now, let's just hope that I can survive through these next two weeks focusing on that hope and more amazing pastries and not on the fear.