I'm still infertile

I still am infertile, sub fertile, suck at getting pregnant.. whatever... That's still who I am.

But I own it now. I own infertility, it doesn't own me.

I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, but it's place in my life is one of an identity, a battle scar, a little thing that I "show" people here and there when the timing is right as part of the fabric of who I am. 

I wonder sometimes how others feel after they've reached the other side and have succeeded in having a child or two after a long fought battle. I still think about it. And I still think about you all who are on the other side, struggling to get to this one. Rooting for you with all of my hope and might. You are in my thoughts, even though I'm not here often.

It comes up in conversation. People ask if twins run in our family, but I usually say something like, "No, it took us a long time, we had to use fertiilty treatmeitns"

(Yeah, just doing my part at perpetuating the myth that all fertility treatments end up in multiples... You can thank me later ;-) )

It comes up in the quite times in our house when the babies are asleep and Tidy and I look at eachother and pause and think, hmm... this is how quiet it was before kids. Remember? And do you remember all of that pain?

We kind of look at eachother with a little nod but we don't go back there. It's strange. It's this weird feeling to know that for so many years (5 to be exact), we were in a lot of emotinal pain and sometimes anger and often sadness. But somehow, we haven't dug deep back into those depths to really feel that again. It feels so very far away.

Having our babies has made it hard to feel that again.

I'm glad.

And I guess I want to let others of you out there who are still going through this know that hopefully, once you have your babies woven into your lives, you will let go of that pain too and it won't be as easy to access as it once was.... or at least I hope that's how it feels for you.

Sure, you can hold onto it, and let it rot inside you, and be bitter... and there will always be reminders here and there of what that used to feel like... Like when a friend tells you she they got pregnant the first month trying, or you over hear conversations of people talking about how they planned the month they wanted to have their baby. Meh.

But overall, the pain is gone. My heart is filled with so much joy and awe that these two crazy little babies are ours. (Mommy loves you guys, more than I can even find words for)

First Day Date and My Baby Boy's Eyes

I often write blog posts in my head, but when I finally get here, I just don't know where to begin. There is so much that I want to say... 

Parenting really is the hardest thing one will ever do. This love is so intense that it absorbs much of your time and thought. For that, I am somewhat thankful, as it forces you to stay in the present, which we all need very much.

Here are a few out takes from last month's "photo shoot" (I do one every month on the same couch with the same outfit, changing out the month sticker for documentation. I'll post the 8 month one soon since we will be taking them this weekend)

Tidy and I had our first real day date a few weekends ago. We had two of my sisters and my parents come to hang out with the babies from noon on Saturday till about 4 or so. No, I didn't require a 2 to 1 babysitter to kid ratio, but I opened up the offer to my family and well, there were a lot of takers. They all live about 3 hours away, so they don't get to see the babies as much as maybe they would like. I gave them enough notice, so I think that they all jumped at the chance. They did a great job at babysitting... the house AND kids were both in tact when we came home. I might even let them come back and do it again!

On our date, Tidy and I went to a day spa for a steam and a couples massage. It was absolute bliss. My body is so beat up from pregnancy, tending to babies, sitting at a desk and typing much of the day and not getting as much time in my life to do yoga as I once did. Needless to say, he worked quite a few knots out of my back. I should probably go back every few days... Ha!

After our lovely time at the spa, we headed to a local coffee shop/wine store/cafe and grabbed a beer to sip and have a late lunch. We found a spot on a couch in there in front of a fire and snuggled up. I cried a few times. I think working out the knots releases emotion and pain and things that have been stored up. The tears were of joy, of gratefulness and of realization, that even though Tidy and I are doing great together, we do need that time to reconnect with each other. It was nice to just sit next to him and not talk about much and feel like you have to accomplish chores at home or sleep because you are tired, or plan for something the next day. I missed him, even though we are together so often.

It reaffirmed that we are doing a great job at this thing we call life and parenting and marriage.

Also, it made me feel good that I did this in my own time. Some might say that we should have done this along time ago, but you know what, we did it when I was ready. And because we waited until I was ready, I was able to go away with him for those hours and be at peace, and present with Tidy.

So thank you my sweet sisters and parents. And thank you Tidy for giving me the space and time to do this when I was ready. I love you more for that than you know.

I also promised a few entries ago some thoughts on the Bean Burrito since I did write a little blurb about M&M and her dancing hands, so below are some observations about my baby boy... the boy with the light in his eyes.

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 My sweet Bean Burrito. We've dropped the Burrito off your nick name quite some months ago, as we don't need to swaddle you anymore. You have such a beautiful soul inside those eyes and I can not wait to hear your voice and have a conversation with you. For a few months now, you have been struggling a bit with pain from teething, we think. I wish you could tell us what is wrong. It's so hard to see you unhappy from time to time.  You had always been my happy baby boy, easy to self soothe and snuggle yourself into bed at night. The past few months though, you need a lot of reassurance and cuddling (I don't mind of course, as I love to extra snuggle time with both of you when I can get it. I know it won't last forever). I think we are getting close to some teeth for you, so I hope hope hope that the fussiness will lessen.

Your eyes melt my heart, baby boy. You smile through them and they sparkle. Months ago, when we had to sooth you and your sister to bed for quite some many hours, I would sing to you "The Rainbow Connection" song and it would quite you and help you rest into sleep. Now, as I nurse you sleep at night, I still sing this song from time to time and I see the recognition in your eyes. You pause and look up at me and those bright smiling eyes make me see the kindness already within you. Your Aunt Coco said to me, "He doesn't look at anyone else the way he looks at you"

I hope that as we walk through life together, I will see that sweet look in your eyes from time to time.

7 Month - Eve

M&M and the Bean Burrito will be 7 months tomorrow. They are now closer to a year old than to the day they were born. (Well, they were the day they turned 6 months, but... whatever).

So how's life, you are wondering?

I would say we've found a bit of a rhythm. Tidy is an amazing stay at home dad. I am tolerating being a  working mom and doing my best to kick some serious butt at work during the day so I can come home and focus on these two joys of my life. Here's a recent picture of them over the holidays...

The cutest, right??

M&M is my sweet baby girl. She is so inquisitive and bright and cheerful and patient. Sometimes she has a little scared, easily startled streak, especially when she is tired. It's the saddest thing when she gets upset and her little bottom lip curls down and you can see the beginning of her cry. I just want to hold her and tell her it will be ok and she's fine. 99% of the time, however, her face just lights up the room.

Bean is my amazing baby boy. He's been a bit fussy for a few months. I think we finally have figured out that he did indeed have an ear infection (even though the doctors wouldn't believe me for a while) and have got him on some meds. Evenings were very challenging with him as we would lay him down and he would just hold his head in pain. Tylenol didn't help much nor did Advil. We just had to hold him and cuddle him. There have been some long nights but I definitely feel like we are turning a corner. I will say that he does let us know when he's tired or in pain and needs to just go take a nap. This I love about it. M&M had her 'tell' as well... which is a little far off stare. Adorable.

When Bean is happy though, which is the majority of the day, he is such a sweet and cuddly and almost innocent looking baby boy. His eyes melt my heart when he looks at me and hold his arms towards me to pick him up.

They both melt my heart.. especially when I come home from work and they hear my voice and turn to me and smile. Knowing that they will be getting milk for it's source instead of a bottle, since they have never really taken well to the bottle, might be the reason they simile, but I choose to believe that it is also that they are just happy to seem me. Being away from them during the day breaks my heart, but luckily work is so busy that my days go fast and I can rush home to cuddle, feed and do bed time with them.

Life is moving on as we know it... We are getting out to do family adventures on the weekends, we are learning how to get some more decent sleep, we are able to keep the house in somewhat of an order and even start to cook most of our meals again.

So of course when life gets into a groove, I want to go and mess with it :-) I start to think about what our next steps are. I should listen to myself sometimes and just enjoy these moments, which I truly do. Really. My favorite times of the week are Saturday and Sunday mornings when we sit and have coffee in the nursery with them and play in our pajamas. We FaceTime with their aunts and grandparents and simply just revel in the fact that we have two beautiful children, who we waited ever so long for.

But soon, we will have to make harder decisions. Does Tidy go back to work in the fall when his sabbatical is over? If you recall, his school district was gracious and gave him a year leave to stay at home with them. He can go back in the fall and retain his tenure and pretty much have his dream job of teaching 8th grade history. It's a hard call though because we'd have to adjust to life with getting the kids ready in the mornings to go to day care and we would not really be saving any $$ from his salary. What he makes would go to child care, and possibly more. In my mind, it's a no brainer. Just stay home until the kids go to school. But that's because I would give my hand and foot to do the same. But what makes sense to me in my head doesn't necessarily make sense to him. And I don't want either of us to regret the decisions we make. We will, of course, make a big pro and con list and we will talk it over. Whichever way we decide to go, we will be fine, I'm sure. But it's hard knowing this decision is looming over us and neither way we decide will be perfect.

On top of that, and luckily this is a decision we don't have to make right now, we have some really nice frozen embryos sitting at our clinic. And I really do want to have more kids. (I think). Again, another big pro and con list is in my head. I'm nostalgic for my pregnancy and also for the infant stage of having babies.  M&M fell asleep in my arms the other night as I nursed her and it reminded me of the days where I would just hold them and feed them and they would sleep there for hours. I cried, knowing that I may never experience that again. I'm every grateful to HAVE experienced it, I know. Really and truly, I do know this.

It's just another option that we are lucky to have and I have not been able to put the thought of having another baby out of my head. For now, I've decided to wait unit after their first birthday before we revisit. Tidy, I think, would be happy being done.

Finally, Tidy and I are doing well. We don't, of course, get as much time for each other as we would like. But we are finally having some peace at night to sit next to each other and fall asleep. It's bliss :-)

For now I will leave you with one more picture of our babies from over the holidays. They had a blast with our relatives and were just so joyful to be experiencing all these new faces and holiday fun. I honestly love trying to look at life through their eyes. It makes all of the worries and future decisions go away... I could stare at them forever...

My Everythings

Hi!

Remember me?

I'm Tippy. This is my blog. I write here.

Clearly not much, lately.

I suppose that's what happens when you are a working mom of twins.

First things first. The babies are amazing. Hectic, fussy sometimes, not the best sleepers, but absolutely amazing. Each day I love them more and more. They will be 6 months next week. I can not believe it. This half year has gone warp speed, yet we seem to have come so far. I know you understand. Life changes affect your life at warp speed.

I feel like having the twins caused my life to go from zero to 60, heck zero to 100 in like 1.1 seconds and then adding back in the full time work gig, well that accelerated it even more. I spent so much time in those first few months in a heightened state of function. go go go go go.

And then something clicked. I finally relaxed into this. I found my groove with the babies and the house and the husband and I just let go. I let go of the feeling of always having to accomplish something each day, like cooking a meal, or getting to the grocery store, or sorting through their clothes that they have outgrown quickly. I let go and realized that that feeling wasn't how I wanted to be around them. I wanted to simply enjoy them and look back on this year with a sense of peace and joy that I was able to soak it in as best I could. Especially since with being a working mom, my week day time with them is so limited.

I miss them immensely during the day. Immensely. I don't think they will ever know how deeply I wish that it was me who was helping them navigate through these young years. I fantasize in the car on my commute to work about being able to go into my boss and say, "Tidy and I have talked about it and we decided that he was going back to work and I am going to stay home... indefinitely". I know it's not all roses, and I'm sure that there would be many days where I wish that I was back at work, but I wish I could give it a try.

I do my best to "own" my role (wink wink.. that's for you Tidy) and do a good job. I try hard not to bring home the stress that I feel from my work right now. I try hard to switch it off and come home and just soak in the 2 hours or so I get with my babies during the work days. I try hard to just have that be enough on those days.

It not enough though.  It's never enough...

But I have to learn how to let it be enough for now.

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So what's up with those sweet babies, you ask? Oh man... so very much. They are close to sitting up on their own, they are teething (drooling like mad, feet and hands in their mouth at all times, a bit fussy here and there), they are starting to acknowledge eachother and want to reach out, they reach out to me and to their favorite toys, they laugh when I make silly face at them and play peek-a-boo, they sit in their high chairs when we are eating dinner and they watch us and want to be a part of it, they are so just open to the world... its amazing. When we take them new places, they are the stars of the show. They open their eyes and look around and soak it in and smile and coo at everything new.

This openness reminds me that I need to be open too... open to the life that I have right now and not the life that I want... once again, the world's gentle way of telling me to just... be... here, because as a wise woman once said (in a book I am reading called Momma Zen)... "here is everything and everything is here"

So here is a picture of my everything...

A resolution and little dancing hands

Writing my last post really helped me free some of the frustration I was feeling and re-focus my energy.

I've resolve to do the following:

1. I will stop reading about everyone else's "perfect" kids on the internet and how they got there. I don't need to get anywhere. I am here.
2. I will stop asking for advice since everyone has some and they usually feel very strongly about it. I don't need advice. Every kid and family is different.
3. I will trust my instincts... I will take the time to listen to them.

I can now let go of the fact that my babies aren't sleeping exactly like babycenter.com says they should be and just focus on them. I can be comfortable in the uncomfort, in the unpredictable-ness of their ever changing patterns and I can be hopeful in the trends that we are starting to see. But mostly, and I say this because this is hard for me, the analytical, process following, predictable natured mathematician... mostly I can just let go and really really just enjoy these babies and their ever changing natures.

They are absolutely fascinating. Truly. Every day I see them again after work, or when I wake in the morning on my days off, I am in utter awe of their inquisitiveness, of their seeming growth over the night, of their sweet sweet souls. And I am in love... deep deep love. 

Here's an example of the moments with them that I want to absorb, relish, dive into and just experience: 

My little M&M and I have developed a dance we do with our hands when she nurses, especially at at night. She is a very delicate nurser, light in my arms and quiet at my breast. Her hands explore and reach out for mine. She's only 4.5 months old and yet she seems to want to grab and move and caress my own hands, exploring the space between my fingers and pulling and pushing my fingers in various directions as she nourishes herself. Eventually, deep in the night, her little fingers slow down and she rests my finger on her chest, her sucking slows and I gently persuade her back to her bed. But as I do this, I think to myself, burn these memories into your brain, Tippy, because this too shall pass... 

It's a very tender time in my mind, since during the day, she's so alert and attentive to the environment and goings on around her that her attention darts from place to place. Once in a while she will sit on my lap and look at me, smile and coo and coo and coo, telling me about her day. These moments shoot me forward a few years into when she will be talking. I envision myself coming home from work and she greeting me, babbling excitedly about her day, wanting to tell me every little detail of the new things she saw and learned. But for now, I hold on dear to those little sweet hands when they reach out for mine and hope at some level, she always wants to hold my hand.

(a post on the bean burrito yet to come...)

Big Girl Pants

No, my 4 month old daughter is not potty trained...

I'm referring to me.

I've used this expression a lot lately, even though maybe I just made it up in my head. I intend it to mean that I just need to suck it up and "put on my big girl pants" and go do what I need to do instead of worrying about other things that I can not control at the moment.

I'm 7 weeks back into being a working mom and it is really the most challenging thing that I have done as of late. I feel like I've lost all of my good coping skills that I had learned when going through years of infertility. Somehow, I can't seem to translate those skills to this new environment. Maybe the sleep deprivation has something to do with it.

Here are the issues:

1. Our babies suck at sleep, ie, the wake every 2-3 hours in the middle of the night. BabyCenter tells me that they should be sleeping much better. (Fuck you Baby Center)
2. Our babies suck at GOING to sleep. It takes us a few hours of pacifier replacements and rocking and some feeding to get them to sleep at night. (PLEASE do not tell me to cry it out, do not tell me that I need to put them to bed earlier, or later or in a different room... blah blah blah. Just please refrain from telling me what to do. I've heard it all and I don't need your advice. I'm cranky because of the sleep deprivation, so hearing others advice might just make me even crankier. Thanks... No offense)
3. Our babies are sleeping in their car seats... still. And every time we try to get them to sleep in their cribs, it fails. (Again, PLEASE.. no advice... we are trying)
4. I'm working and at work I have way too much on my team's plate and we have some very near deadlines and I don't feel comfortable with everything that we have to get done.
5. Tidy's at home with the babies where I would rather be. He's doing a great job. I'm proud of him. But he's not doing the job exactly the way I would be doing it. I know that me trying to micro manage his parenting and stay at home dad groove is NOT the direction we need to go in for the health of both of our minds and our marriage, but it just makes me wish that I was home with them too.
6. Tidy's a stay at home dad and he doesn't outwardly seem as excited about it as I THINK that I would feel if I was staying at home. (Notice the word Think.... I can not truly say how I would feel since I don't do it.)
7. I'm tired.. have I mentioned that?

Because of these issues, I feel like I'm not living the best life that I can be right now.When I'm at work thinking about how  my babies are doing and what I would be doing with them if I were there. When I'm at home, I'm worrying about the work my team has to accomplish and if I am motivating them enough to do the best job or communicating with them enough to give them knowledge they need to do their jobs.

And then on top of that, I realize that I am cranky a lot and I do not want to look back on this time with that haze around it. I don't want to regret missing things or not just being present when I am with my children.

Parenting is hard (No shit, you say...). Parenting twins is hard (Again, no shit). But what is even harder, in my opinion, is to stop the anger, resentment, frustration and negativity in my brain, put on my big girl pants and just accept this working mom thing as the role that I have to play in my life and play it well.

Playing it well means then that I am present at work when I am at work and present at home when I am at home. Playing it well means not getting frustrated at Tidy or at the lack of sleep I am getting and just acknowledge the two beautiful lives that are present in ours and enjoy them. Playing it well means not getting anxious that they aren't sleeping the way the "Internet" says they should be sleeping and just gently try to work towards getting there... because we will get there.... right?

Phew....

Thanks for letting me vent today. I needed it.

I also desperately need a hair cut. So I'm going to do that tonight instead of worry about how many times I need to go back in and put the pacifier in my sweet M&M's little mouth.

Concei-versary

One year ago from 10/6, yesterday, a very giving woman (who we coined Dotty 2.0), went into our fertility clinic and donated her eggs to us, 24 in fact. Tidy went in around the same time and within a few hours, the bean burrito and M&M were conceived.

It's crazy to think about that....

I just went back and read my post from that day. It was a somewhat sad post. I do remember feeling like I had no hand in that day, that so much excitement was going on but I had nothing to do with it. I also felt sad for the loss of my own genetics, but I'm lucky that I some wise friends to give me support.

A year later, as I know the result of those beautiful 24 eggs from our very generous donor, I jump for joy in what they brought us: And end to the pain of struggling, a new hope of some success, and 9 months later, the other best day of my life (other to my wedding day)... the birth of our children.

Children... I have 2! A son, a daughter. It's overwhelming to think this... mind blowing. And you know what? The fact that they are not genetically related to me rarely, if ever, crosses my mind. M&M and the Bean Burrito are my babies. Full stop.

(and Tidy's too, of course)

So yesterday, and over the next few days, I will relive these hopeful moments in my mind. The egg retrieval, our trip to watch Tidy run a marathon that Sunday. My sister L and I running around the course, me waiting anxiously daily for our embryo reports and then a few days later, the transfer of two perfect blasts... I'm feeling sentimental and grateful... so so grateful.

And for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of our 2 miracles, one year from the day their were conceived. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

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As for us on the home front, things are going well. They are just shy of 17 weeks and moving right along. M&M is still pretty fussy. She's on reflux meds which are helping a lot, but she goes from 0-60 in seconds flat. Bean Burrito is a bit calmer, but his fussiness level has increased lately. It makes me think that the are both going through some major development changes. We are working on getting a schedule established. 7pm bed time, a few long naps during the day, but they seem to have 'regressed' a little on sleep. They wake up more often now than they did say a month ago. We put them to bed at 7 fairly easily but then they seem to wake up a half hour to an hour later not realizing that it's the time they should be taking their "long nap". They used to sleep through the night, but now they are waking up again every few hours. It's making for a very tired mamma and pappa, especially come 5:30 am when I have to get up and get ready for work.  I'm hoping this is just a developmental phase they are going through and that in a month or so they will go back to better sleeping. 

They have their 4 month shots this coming friday and then we are heading back to where both of our parents live next weekend for a family party with my relatives to meet the babies. My dad is calling it "Twin-palloza"... I'm really looking forward to it, but a bit anxious that it will over-stimulate them and we will have some major cranky babies to deal with. We'll do our best to swoop in and get them some naps during the party. Keep your fingers crossed!