Tuesday, October 23, 2012

A resolution and little dancing hands

Writing my last post really helped me free some of the frustration I was feeling and re-focus my energy.

I've resolve to do the following:

  1. I will stop reading about everyone else's "perfect" kids on the internet and how they got there. I don't need to get anywhere. I am here.
  2. I will stop asking for advice since everyone has some and they usually feel very strongly about it. I don't need advice. Every kid and family is different.
  3. I will trust my instincts... I will take the time to listen to them.
I can now let go of the fact that my babies aren't sleeping exactly like babycenter.com says they should be and just focus on them. I can be comfortable in the uncomfort, in the unpredictable-ness of their ever changing patterns and I can be hopeful in the trends that we are starting to see. But mostly, and I say this because this is hard for me, the analytical, process following, predictable natured mathematician... mostly I can just let go and really really just enjoy these babies and their ever changing natures.

They are absolutely fascinating. Truly. Every day I see them again after work, or when I wake in the morning on my days off, I am in utter awe of their inquisitiveness, of their seeming growth over the night, of their sweet sweet souls. And I am in love... deep deep love. 

Here's an example of the moments with them that I want to absorb, relish, dive into and just experience: 

My little M&M and I have developed a dance we do with our hands when she nurses, especially at at night. She is a very delicate nurser, light in my arms and quiet at my breast. Her hands explore and reach out for mine. She's only 4.5 months old and yet she seems to want to grab and move and caress my own hands, exploring the space between my fingers and pulling and pushing my fingers in various directions as she nourishes herself. Eventually, deep in the night, her little fingers slow down and she rests my finger on her chest, her sucking slows and I gently persuade her back to her bed. But as I do this, I think to myself, burn these memories into your brain, Tippy, because this too shall pass... 


It's a very tender time in my mind, since during the day, she's so alert and attentive to the environment and goings on around her that her attention darts from place to place. Once in a while she will sit on my lap and look at me, smile and coo and coo and coo, telling me about her day. These moments shoot me forward a few years into when she will be talking. I envision myself coming home from work and she greeting me, babbling excitedly about her day, wanting to tell me every little detail of the new things she saw and learned. But for now, I hold on dear to those little sweet hands when they reach out for mine and hope at some level, she always wants to hold my hand.

(a post on the bean burrito yet to come...)

10 comments:

KC said...

Such a beautiful post!

RunningMama said...

Oh jeez, I totally teared up reading that post. That is such a special time--the middle of the night feedings. Savor it. Now, my little one would rather be rolling all over the place and getting into things than to take time out to eat. As for the advice, my son was a crappy sleeper waking up 2-3 times a night until he was 6 months old and didn't sleep through the night until he was 14 months old. People that have kids that sleep through the night at 6 weeks, or 4 months, or 6 months have NO FREAKING CLUE how hard the sleeplessness over many many months is. AND, they assume that you are doing something wrong or if you just did X your baby would sleep. WRONG. Either you have a sleeper or you don't. Good for you for letting the comparison and advice go! I never received ANY advice that worked (except for desitin; that's good sh*t). I just learned to endure.

Alicia and Steve D. said...

I had to actually tell people to stop giving me advice. They think it's helpful, but it really isn't. It's just maddening. Parenting (twins especially) just needs to be figured out by the primary caregivers, tailored specifically to the individual needs of each child and the needs of the family. So glad you are able to find the joy in the midst of the ickiness! That is a lesson I struggle with every day.

Alicia and Steve D. said...

I had to actually tell people to stop giving me advice. They think it's helpful, but it really isn't. It's just maddening. Parenting (twins especially) just needs to be figured out by the primary caregivers, tailored specifically to the individual needs of each child and the needs of the family. So glad you are able to find the joy in the midst of the ickiness! That is a lesson I struggle with every day.

LeslieGail said...

"I will stop reading about everyone else's "perfect" kids on the internet and how they got there. I don't need to get anywhere. I am here."

AMEN! Some of the darkest moments in my life are when I compared my situation to others. It's so hard not to do that. Everyone's situation is different and it doesn't make my own any better or any less perfect. It is what it is.

Love and Hugs sweet girl!

LC said...

Beautiful, heart-felt post!

Heather said...

And pass quickly it does! I can't believe I have a 15 month old toddler! Enjoy each and every day with them. :-)

Elizabeth McGrath said...

what a sweet post! crying as I read it.

Elizabeth McGrath said...

what a sweet post! tearing up as I read it.

Elle said...

I have learned that everyone's advice worked great for them, and that's why they have it. We all have our own advice. We all have our list of mommy-must-haves, and they are usually different from our friends'. You just have to find what works for you and go with it.

I try to relish as much time with my daughter as I can, because I know it isn't going to last forever. We have such a short amount of time with our children before they turn into teenagers who don't want much to do with us, and then move out of our homes and begin their own lives. I sometimes have to remind myself a clean house isn't important, spending time with Little Bean is.