Concei-versary

One year ago from 10/6, yesterday, a very giving woman (who we coined Dotty 2.0), went into our fertility clinic and donated her eggs to us, 24 in fact. Tidy went in around the same time and within a few hours, the bean burrito and M&M were conceived.

It's crazy to think about that....

I just went back and read my post from that day. It was a somewhat sad post. I do remember feeling like I had no hand in that day, that so much excitement was going on but I had nothing to do with it. I also felt sad for the loss of my own genetics, but I'm lucky that I some wise friends to give me support.

A year later, as I know the result of those beautiful 24 eggs from our very generous donor, I jump for joy in what they brought us: And end to the pain of struggling, a new hope of some success, and 9 months later, the other best day of my life (other to my wedding day)... the birth of our children.

Children... I have 2! A son, a daughter. It's overwhelming to think this... mind blowing. And you know what? The fact that they are not genetically related to me rarely, if ever, crosses my mind. M&M and the Bean Burrito are my babies. Full stop.

(and Tidy's too, of course)

So yesterday, and over the next few days, I will relive these hopeful moments in my mind. The egg retrieval, our trip to watch Tidy run a marathon that Sunday. My sister L and I running around the course, me waiting anxiously daily for our embryo reports and then a few days later, the transfer of two perfect blasts... I'm feeling sentimental and grateful... so so grateful.

And for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of our 2 miracles, one year from the day their were conceived. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

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As for us on the home front, things are going well. They are just shy of 17 weeks and moving right along. M&M is still pretty fussy. She's on reflux meds which are helping a lot, but she goes from 0-60 in seconds flat. Bean Burrito is a bit calmer, but his fussiness level has increased lately. It makes me think that the are both going through some major development changes. We are working on getting a schedule established. 7pm bed time, a few long naps during the day, but they seem to have 'regressed' a little on sleep. They wake up more often now than they did say a month ago. We put them to bed at 7 fairly easily but then they seem to wake up a half hour to an hour later not realizing that it's the time they should be taking their "long nap". They used to sleep through the night, but now they are waking up again every few hours. It's making for a very tired mamma and pappa, especially come 5:30 am when I have to get up and get ready for work.  I'm hoping this is just a developmental phase they are going through and that in a month or so they will go back to better sleeping. 

They have their 4 month shots this coming friday and then we are heading back to where both of our parents live next weekend for a family party with my relatives to meet the babies. My dad is calling it "Twin-palloza"... I'm really looking forward to it, but a bit anxious that it will over-stimulate them and we will have some major cranky babies to deal with. We'll do our best to swoop in and get them some naps during the party. Keep your fingers crossed!

Bittersweet Eggs and Wise Friends

Life, and the way I navigate through it, certainly takes me by surprise sometimes.

Today should be a happy and hopeful day for me. Dotty 2.0, our "rock star" egg donor, underwent her egg retrieval. And before I get into all of my thoughts on this, I will tell you the end of the story first...

...She did great. Fantastic actually. They retrieved 24 eggs...2 dozen...2 of those grey-ish cardboard cartons full of fabulous eggs. Pretty amazing, huh?

While I know this is a big hoop that we jumped through today, I'm sad too. The reminder that they are not "my" eggs creeps back in and I grieve a little bit again. A friend from one of my chat boards did warn me that I might feel this way, however, so I was prepared at least. She has been through this before and shared with me on the day of her donor's egg retrieval, she too felt sad. It was supposed to feel great, right? But because she literally had no part in that day, it was another reminder of the loss of her own eggs.

And that's exactly how I feel today. Bittersweet.

I definitely can find some of the sweet in here. 24 eggs is fantastic. This should give us a good shot, pending our fertilization report tomorrow. But the bitter lingers too. My husband's dna is mixing with some other woman's dna as we speak! (Cheater!!!) Oh, and I think my competitive nature is also getting to me. I couldn't produce 24 eggs myself. My ovaries feel defeated. My goal, however is to not let this linger too long. I want to wake up tomorrow and start to focus on "our" embryos, rather than "her" eggs.

I am lucky to have very wise friends, however. They are giving me the strength and cushion I need. One friend said she wished I lived closer to her. She would make a flower lei for me and we would take a walk out to the ocean and put my sadness and loss into the lei and let it float out to the sea... I love this visual.

Another friend commented on how truly amazing the human experience is. She said: The beauty of the human heart is that it can hold so many emotions at once. So hold, in your mind's eye, the baby picture of your donor and see it as a projection of your own baby to smother with kisses....and fill your life with memories.
And finally, another friend sent me a quote from her calendar for this months which said, "Open your arms to beautiful moments, and they will come to you"

Like I said, they are wise friends.
So with that, I will honor my sadness today because it is a valid and honest, but I'm also heading out the door to spend 3 hours at my yoga studio to clear my mood and focus on the beautiful moments that are here and yet to come.

Trigger Time

I am struggling lately to come up with words to share with you all while Dotty 2.0 is stimming. I don't have a lot to say because a) I'm not going through the stims myself (and so therefore I don't really feel  LIKE I'm doing an IVF cycle at all, save for the little pricks in my belly each day from Lupron), and b) my RE is not giving me detailed updates, and I'm not asking for them. I suppose she would if I asked, but I honestly haven't wanted to know. I don't see the point. And in fact, it kind of makes me feel like I wish I would have let all the details go, oh so long ago.

But that's not my way. When I'm new into something, I usually feel the need to gather tons of info to understand it before I feel comfortable enough to then let the details go. I'm not sure this makes sense, or that this is an efficient way to operate my life, but...

The only update I have right now is that Dotty 2.0's ovaries are ready to go. She will trigger tonight for a retrieval on Thursday.

Tidy will go into the clinic on Thursday morning for his "donation" and then I'm assuming we will get a call on Thursday later in the day with the number of eggs retrieved. We'll also get a call on on Friday with the number of fertilized eggs and then on Saturday with the number of embryos still growing... so on and so forth....

And assuming there are enough healthy ones growing, we will do a day-5 transfer a week from today.

Yes, I am, somewhere, internally, excited to be here, at this point...finally. But I definitely don't have the same zest I did oh so many years ago (almost 3) when I did my first very first IVF cycle, that same excitement, that same giddy hope. That's not to say that I'm not hopeful, not happy to be at this point, but it's just coming through me in a different, more calm, more zen like way...

So... without further ado, cheers to you, Dotty 2.0. I'm very thankful that you took the egg growing burden off of my plate for this cycle. Best wishes in your retrieval on Thursday. Your job is nearly done. I know the doctors will take care of you well and I hope you have a peaceful rest in propofol-land while they take your hard grown eggs out and give them to our family building cause. Sending you a big hug, or a hand to hold on Thursday.