My Everythings

Hi!

Remember me?

I'm Tippy. This is my blog. I write here.

Clearly not much, lately.

I suppose that's what happens when you are a working mom of twins.

First things first. The babies are amazing. Hectic, fussy sometimes, not the best sleepers, but absolutely amazing. Each day I love them more and more. They will be 6 months next week. I can not believe it. This half year has gone warp speed, yet we seem to have come so far. I know you understand. Life changes affect your life at warp speed.

I feel like having the twins caused my life to go from zero to 60, heck zero to 100 in like 1.1 seconds and then adding back in the full time work gig, well that accelerated it even more. I spent so much time in those first few months in a heightened state of function. go go go go go.

And then something clicked. I finally relaxed into this. I found my groove with the babies and the house and the husband and I just let go. I let go of the feeling of always having to accomplish something each day, like cooking a meal, or getting to the grocery store, or sorting through their clothes that they have outgrown quickly. I let go and realized that that feeling wasn't how I wanted to be around them. I wanted to simply enjoy them and look back on this year with a sense of peace and joy that I was able to soak it in as best I could. Especially since with being a working mom, my week day time with them is so limited.

I miss them immensely during the day. Immensely. I don't think they will ever know how deeply I wish that it was me who was helping them navigate through these young years. I fantasize in the car on my commute to work about being able to go into my boss and say, "Tidy and I have talked about it and we decided that he was going back to work and I am going to stay home... indefinitely". I know it's not all roses, and I'm sure that there would be many days where I wish that I was back at work, but I wish I could give it a try.

I do my best to "own" my role (wink wink.. that's for you Tidy) and do a good job. I try hard not to bring home the stress that I feel from my work right now. I try hard to switch it off and come home and just soak in the 2 hours or so I get with my babies during the work days. I try hard to just have that be enough on those days.

It not enough though.  It's never enough...

But I have to learn how to let it be enough for now.

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So what's up with those sweet babies, you ask? Oh man... so very much. They are close to sitting up on their own, they are teething (drooling like mad, feet and hands in their mouth at all times, a bit fussy here and there), they are starting to acknowledge eachother and want to reach out, they reach out to me and to their favorite toys, they laugh when I make silly face at them and play peek-a-boo, they sit in their high chairs when we are eating dinner and they watch us and want to be a part of it, they are so just open to the world... its amazing. When we take them new places, they are the stars of the show. They open their eyes and look around and soak it in and smile and coo at everything new.

This openness reminds me that I need to be open too... open to the life that I have right now and not the life that I want... once again, the world's gentle way of telling me to just... be... here, because as a wise woman once said (in a book I am reading called Momma Zen)... "here is everything and everything is here"

So here is a picture of my everything...

A resolution and little dancing hands

Writing my last post really helped me free some of the frustration I was feeling and re-focus my energy.

I've resolve to do the following:

1. I will stop reading about everyone else's "perfect" kids on the internet and how they got there. I don't need to get anywhere. I am here.
2. I will stop asking for advice since everyone has some and they usually feel very strongly about it. I don't need advice. Every kid and family is different.
3. I will trust my instincts... I will take the time to listen to them.

I can now let go of the fact that my babies aren't sleeping exactly like babycenter.com says they should be and just focus on them. I can be comfortable in the uncomfort, in the unpredictable-ness of their ever changing patterns and I can be hopeful in the trends that we are starting to see. But mostly, and I say this because this is hard for me, the analytical, process following, predictable natured mathematician... mostly I can just let go and really really just enjoy these babies and their ever changing natures.

They are absolutely fascinating. Truly. Every day I see them again after work, or when I wake in the morning on my days off, I am in utter awe of their inquisitiveness, of their seeming growth over the night, of their sweet sweet souls. And I am in love... deep deep love. 

Here's an example of the moments with them that I want to absorb, relish, dive into and just experience: 

My little M&M and I have developed a dance we do with our hands when she nurses, especially at at night. She is a very delicate nurser, light in my arms and quiet at my breast. Her hands explore and reach out for mine. She's only 4.5 months old and yet she seems to want to grab and move and caress my own hands, exploring the space between my fingers and pulling and pushing my fingers in various directions as she nourishes herself. Eventually, deep in the night, her little fingers slow down and she rests my finger on her chest, her sucking slows and I gently persuade her back to her bed. But as I do this, I think to myself, burn these memories into your brain, Tippy, because this too shall pass... 

It's a very tender time in my mind, since during the day, she's so alert and attentive to the environment and goings on around her that her attention darts from place to place. Once in a while she will sit on my lap and look at me, smile and coo and coo and coo, telling me about her day. These moments shoot me forward a few years into when she will be talking. I envision myself coming home from work and she greeting me, babbling excitedly about her day, wanting to tell me every little detail of the new things she saw and learned. But for now, I hold on dear to those little sweet hands when they reach out for mine and hope at some level, she always wants to hold my hand.

(a post on the bean burrito yet to come...)

Big Girl Pants

No, my 4 month old daughter is not potty trained...

I'm referring to me.

I've used this expression a lot lately, even though maybe I just made it up in my head. I intend it to mean that I just need to suck it up and "put on my big girl pants" and go do what I need to do instead of worrying about other things that I can not control at the moment.

I'm 7 weeks back into being a working mom and it is really the most challenging thing that I have done as of late. I feel like I've lost all of my good coping skills that I had learned when going through years of infertility. Somehow, I can't seem to translate those skills to this new environment. Maybe the sleep deprivation has something to do with it.

Here are the issues:

1. Our babies suck at sleep, ie, the wake every 2-3 hours in the middle of the night. BabyCenter tells me that they should be sleeping much better. (Fuck you Baby Center)
2. Our babies suck at GOING to sleep. It takes us a few hours of pacifier replacements and rocking and some feeding to get them to sleep at night. (PLEASE do not tell me to cry it out, do not tell me that I need to put them to bed earlier, or later or in a different room... blah blah blah. Just please refrain from telling me what to do. I've heard it all and I don't need your advice. I'm cranky because of the sleep deprivation, so hearing others advice might just make me even crankier. Thanks... No offense)
3. Our babies are sleeping in their car seats... still. And every time we try to get them to sleep in their cribs, it fails. (Again, PLEASE.. no advice... we are trying)
4. I'm working and at work I have way too much on my team's plate and we have some very near deadlines and I don't feel comfortable with everything that we have to get done.
5. Tidy's at home with the babies where I would rather be. He's doing a great job. I'm proud of him. But he's not doing the job exactly the way I would be doing it. I know that me trying to micro manage his parenting and stay at home dad groove is NOT the direction we need to go in for the health of both of our minds and our marriage, but it just makes me wish that I was home with them too.
6. Tidy's a stay at home dad and he doesn't outwardly seem as excited about it as I THINK that I would feel if I was staying at home. (Notice the word Think.... I can not truly say how I would feel since I don't do it.)
7. I'm tired.. have I mentioned that?

Because of these issues, I feel like I'm not living the best life that I can be right now.When I'm at work thinking about how  my babies are doing and what I would be doing with them if I were there. When I'm at home, I'm worrying about the work my team has to accomplish and if I am motivating them enough to do the best job or communicating with them enough to give them knowledge they need to do their jobs.

And then on top of that, I realize that I am cranky a lot and I do not want to look back on this time with that haze around it. I don't want to regret missing things or not just being present when I am with my children.

Parenting is hard (No shit, you say...). Parenting twins is hard (Again, no shit). But what is even harder, in my opinion, is to stop the anger, resentment, frustration and negativity in my brain, put on my big girl pants and just accept this working mom thing as the role that I have to play in my life and play it well.

Playing it well means then that I am present at work when I am at work and present at home when I am at home. Playing it well means not getting frustrated at Tidy or at the lack of sleep I am getting and just acknowledge the two beautiful lives that are present in ours and enjoy them. Playing it well means not getting anxious that they aren't sleeping the way the "Internet" says they should be sleeping and just gently try to work towards getting there... because we will get there.... right?

Phew....

Thanks for letting me vent today. I needed it.

I also desperately need a hair cut. So I'm going to do that tonight instead of worry about how many times I need to go back in and put the pacifier in my sweet M&M's little mouth.

Concei-versary

One year ago from 10/6, yesterday, a very giving woman (who we coined Dotty 2.0), went into our fertility clinic and donated her eggs to us, 24 in fact. Tidy went in around the same time and within a few hours, the bean burrito and M&M were conceived.

It's crazy to think about that....

I just went back and read my post from that day. It was a somewhat sad post. I do remember feeling like I had no hand in that day, that so much excitement was going on but I had nothing to do with it. I also felt sad for the loss of my own genetics, but I'm lucky that I some wise friends to give me support.

A year later, as I know the result of those beautiful 24 eggs from our very generous donor, I jump for joy in what they brought us: And end to the pain of struggling, a new hope of some success, and 9 months later, the other best day of my life (other to my wedding day)... the birth of our children.

Children... I have 2! A son, a daughter. It's overwhelming to think this... mind blowing. And you know what? The fact that they are not genetically related to me rarely, if ever, crosses my mind. M&M and the Bean Burrito are my babies. Full stop.

(and Tidy's too, of course)

So yesterday, and over the next few days, I will relive these hopeful moments in my mind. The egg retrieval, our trip to watch Tidy run a marathon that Sunday. My sister L and I running around the course, me waiting anxiously daily for our embryo reports and then a few days later, the transfer of two perfect blasts... I'm feeling sentimental and grateful... so so grateful.

And for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of our 2 miracles, one year from the day their were conceived. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

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As for us on the home front, things are going well. They are just shy of 17 weeks and moving right along. M&M is still pretty fussy. She's on reflux meds which are helping a lot, but she goes from 0-60 in seconds flat. Bean Burrito is a bit calmer, but his fussiness level has increased lately. It makes me think that the are both going through some major development changes. We are working on getting a schedule established. 7pm bed time, a few long naps during the day, but they seem to have 'regressed' a little on sleep. They wake up more often now than they did say a month ago. We put them to bed at 7 fairly easily but then they seem to wake up a half hour to an hour later not realizing that it's the time they should be taking their "long nap". They used to sleep through the night, but now they are waking up again every few hours. It's making for a very tired mamma and pappa, especially come 5:30 am when I have to get up and get ready for work.  I'm hoping this is just a developmental phase they are going through and that in a month or so they will go back to better sleeping. 

They have their 4 month shots this coming friday and then we are heading back to where both of our parents live next weekend for a family party with my relatives to meet the babies. My dad is calling it "Twin-palloza"... I'm really looking forward to it, but a bit anxious that it will over-stimulate them and we will have some major cranky babies to deal with. We'll do our best to swoop in and get them some naps during the party. Keep your fingers crossed!

Work Shmerk

I've survived 2 weeks of being a working mother with 3 month olds. It sucks.

Honestly, it really does.

I know people say it gets easier, and yes, the waking up and the routine does. But I don't like it one bit. I miss them so much throughout the day and want so badly to be there for them. I'm so grateful that they are with Tidy. It's the second best thing to me. But it hurts when they are not with me.

Is this unhealthy? I don't think so. I think it's just the honest emotion of this. I never really thought that I could be a full time stay at home mom. And I'm not sure that in the long run I could. But I do know that  if I had the choice, I would not be working right now. They are too young. And I feel like I am missing so much. I think I should have moved over seas...

Here's a few pics for now to tide you over until I get some time to actually write a meaningful post.

M&M w/ her Grandpa giving the all knowing look of "Yeah, I got him wrapped around my finger"

The Bean being a "fussy guss" in his fathers chest. The cry he has makes my heart melt. I want to fix them... every time.

3 month mug shot

Back to the Grind

12 weeks seems like a long time in the beginning. When you think about all that has happened in those 12 weeks, it seems like we have lived an eternity.... Water breaking, babies being born, extended stay in the hospital, finally a homecoming, adapting to sleepless nights, adapting to breast feeding, adapting to cluster feeding and excessive crying, adapting to tandem feeding, adapting to being together 24 hours a day and making that work for almost 3 months solid, adapting a dog to babies, figuring out how to eat, sleep, brush your own teeth and take a shower in those early days, handling tons and tons of visitors, and mostly falling deeply and madly in love, like no other love I've ever experienced, with these two beings.

This past Tuesday was my first day back at work. I cried the night before thinking about not being with my babies constantly as I had been these last 12 weeks, thinking about not being able to help them whey they cry, worrying that they will forget me, and forget my smell and my hugs, my rocking...

But then I drove to work yesterday and thought about all of the drives I have done to work not having these babies, crying in my car over another failed cycle and another pregnancy announcement. I have my dream babies now, two in fact, and we are happy and healthy. I don't have to cry anymore. So I decided then and there that I would "own" this working mom thing. I would be the best provider for my family, in the monetary sense, that I could be and set an great example for my son and daughter (MY SON AND DAUGHTER!!!.. wow, is that amazing to see in print). I would put on my happy face and do my best to treasure the moments that I do have with them on a work day... the early morning feedings, the baths and bed time cuddles. I will make those moments my favorite moments and be present, wholly.

And that attitude worked for the first day. But then today, when I started to leave for work again, I got very sad. I think the inevitability, the permanence of not being with them every day set in.

In time this will get easier. But right now, I would give anything to be able to stay at home with them....

Dear Babies,

Mamma loves you so much. I don't even know how to describe it. I said I would never say this as a parent, but if you are parents some day, you will understand this love. I have just spent almost every waking moment of your last 12 weeks with you... feeding you, nurturing you, loving you, playing with you, changing your diapers, giving you baths, watching your first smile, watching you change from an infant to a baby, seeing some recognition in your face that you know me, and smile at ME... and it's honestly been the best 12 weeks of my life. Tidy and I are so in love with you and ever thankful that we were able to all be together as family for these first 12 weeks.

It's now time for me to go back to work and I do so with a heavy heart. I know that in the long run, you will hopefully think nothing of it. I'm sure you won't remember these days where I used to be there all of the time and now I am only there for a few hours at each end... As they say, it's harder on me than it is on you, but what I do hope is that as a working mom, I can set a great example for you of a balanced life, of one where you feel loved and supported by Tidy and me and of a great partnership in Tidy and me as we work in new roles to help raise you the best we can...

I will always treasure these first 12 weeks of your lives as one of the most simple and centered of my life. I love you with all of my heart and soul and still sometimes pinch myself that you are really finally here.

Love, Mamma... (aka Tippy)

M&M last week:

The Bean Burrito last weekend:

10 weeks

Weeks, days, hours, are flying by. Each day seems to go so fast, but when I look back on the day and the weeks, months, so much has seemed to happen. Kids change your perspective on time, huh?

The past few days have been up and down with my sweet little M&M. She has some fussy ones and then ones when she could sleep all day. I think there is so much going on in their little brains and they are changing at such a rapid pace that some days they just need to sleep and other days they need to fuss. We've started some reflux meds for her and also probiotics. Hopefully that and time will help her with her pain and sadness. We have had more happier moments lately and that has been nice. One interesting thing that she has started is a pout when she gets sad or is in pain and it just melts my heart. She's becoming so much more expressive and it makes me proud.

The Bean Burrito has been his ever steady mellow sweetie... I could snuggle with him all day. He's also very expressive and seems to look at me with adoring eyes, melting my heart yet again.

Tonight, as Tidy made dinner for my mom and me, I put Bean & M in their two rock-n-play thingies and sang to them. They were both looking at me and smiling and responding with coos and various other expressions that I felt like it was the first time we were all communicating together... The warmth I felt as my family spent time together in my favorite room, the kitchen, fulfilled a long sought after dream. Hopefully a lifetime of family dinners sits before us.

These kids do something new each day that help me get over the interrupted sleep, fussy crying and being pooped and puked on...way over. They bring me so much joy, it's unexplainable.