What I Haven't Learned

After all of these years struggling with infertility, you would think that I would have learned better to roll with the punches, to "stay in the moment" and appreciate all of the good.

For the most part I think I have. I let much of the small stuff slide off, well, except for this morning when I was really really excited for a creamy cup of decaf coffee but 1) the half and half was nearly gone and 2) all of the decaf was already combined withe the caffeinated coffee (Tidy drinks half decaf) in the container so my morning was foiled... GRRR.

Ok, anyways..  back to my story.

At our 30 week ultrasound, when we thought the growth of the babies was diverging and my OB predicted a high chance of a C-section, we also learned that baby B was presenting (closest to the exit) and was breech and baby A was fundal (further at the top of the uterus) and transverse.  Here's a picture of what they kind of look like.

So I've spent much of my time these past few weeks trying to understand how likely it is that baby B will flip vertex, or maybe baby A will nudge baby B away from the exit and move in for the save. (I've also spent much of my time inverted, using moxa sticks, doing acupuncture and chiropractic care )... But it seems that if the twins haven't moved by 36 weeks, it's very very highly unlikely that they will after that. And a few days ago we passed our 36 week mark and also had an ultrasound, which confirmed the babies were still in the same unfavorable-for-a-vaginal-delivery position.

On the very very bright side, the babies are doing great. Both are estimated to be just shy of 6 lbs each, and we got to see that they both are practicing breathing. Their lungs are moving to get ready for the world outside. Cool, huh?

But I must say that I had gotten my hopes up that baby B, the breech one, had flipped... you see, I have a heart beat monitor at home that I use from time to time just to check in. And I had been used to hearing both of the heat tones near my belly button... but then early last weekend, I checked again and baby B's heart tone had moved way down to near the exit. This of course got my mind spinning that my baby B had actually spun!! So I was all proud of my babies for listening to my wishes and hopeful that when we went into to see them early this week we would see that one to be head down.

No dice though.

And then with that, I had to re-grieve this sense of loss I feel about not being able to have a vaginal birth. It was quicker this time than the last discussion with my OB. More so, however, I was mad at myself for 1) getting my hopes up and 2) allowing that disappointment to cloud my thoughts for a few days.

I mean, come on Tippy, things are going great! You are 36 + weeks with twins who are thriving feeling little to nothing to complain about. You are going to finally hold these babies in your hands in the very near future... the babies you have longed for for 5 years. This C-section business is just a blip in the road. Yes, it's ok to feel the disappointment, and have wanted it to go differently, but it is not ok to let it taint these last few weeks of anticipation as you meet your babies.

So I woke up a few mornings ago after a day of sadness, with the intention of trying to just stay focused on the present moment and the positive healthy babies that we will get to meet soon.

Isn't this cycle of disappointment though, similar to those feelings of failure with a negative cycle, or a 2nd or 3rd chemical pregnancy? It's not the SAME disappointment, but just a similar cycle of thought. So apparently I still have some learning/growing to do in my ability to roll with the punches.

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And now the stats

Status: 36w2d

Weight Gain: I'll weigh in again this coming Friday.

Symptoms:  Carpel tunnel is still around. Hormone swings are annoying too. I also had more (TMI) mucus this morning... so maybe that mucus plug is starting to thing out.

Cravings: None to speak of

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  Still doing my once a week prenatal yoga and once a week prenatal pilates. Also went to the gym last night for a swim. It felt SOO good. I swam and kicked a half mile. The pool is amazing for taking all of that baby weight off of your body. It feels like I'm not pregnant at all.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing the twins again at the ultrasound and hearing that they have some hair on their heads and also seeing their lungs move to a rhythm to help prepare them for the outside world. Yay babies!

What I Look Forward to: Similar to last week, I think all of my forward looking thoughts are to holding these babies and to nuzzling with them. It's going to be here soon and I want to really really appreciate these last few days/weeks and know that we were joyful in their anticipation.

Nursery - After

The nursery is mostly finished, except for a few small details, so I thought I would share some pictures. First, though, go refresh your memory here on the"Nursery - Before" post.

This is a nursing/reading couch, from World Market, that also folds down into a single bed, if needed. 

This is our changing corner. Dresser and light are from Ikea and the framed letter press is from Etsy. The detail on the letter press is below.

This is the closet and some bookshelves on the right. Eventually we'll put the doors back on the closet but they still need to be painted. Hoping to get this done before they arrive, but if not, before they start to crawl.... I've got a few months, right?

This is where the two cribs will go once we get them. We've decided to buy some used cribs from a friend of our family who also had twins. They will also turn into toddler beds. But we are going to have the twins in our room for the first few months, so we aren't in a rush to get those set up. Right now, it's just a place holder for a few random things I don't know where to store. The wall hanging is apiece of fabric I found on Etsy and wrapped around a stretcher frame.

This is the mini crib the twins will share for the first few months that is sitting next to our bed. I can't wait to see it filled with all that squishiness. 

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And now the stats

Status: 35w4d

Weight Gain: I'll weigh in again in just over a week.

Symptoms:  Carpel tunnel is there, but mild and the hormone ups and downs are definitely there, more so than they have been at any other time. Warning TMI: I also had a little thicker yellow mucus when I wiped a few times yesterday. I wonder if this is the start of the mucus plug starting to come out? Who knows. What I DO know is to not read to much into it right now. A good friend has been in "pre-labor" for over a week now and I can tell she is getting very frustrated hoping that it will happen at any moment... Hang in there, C!!

Cravings: None to speak of. I think my stomach is a bit crowded, so I don't feel very hungry, but I am forcing myself to get food in!

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  Still doing my once a week prenatal yoga and once a week prenatal pilates. I think I'll start walking a bit more this week. I feel a bit sluggish.

Best Moment of the Week: Tidy and I had a date last night. We went to see the Hunger Games in the theater and then got Thai take out and sat at home. It's nice to be able to spend some quiet times with him. I do really like this guy. I hope he knows that, especially when I am frantically trying to get things 'finished' up at home, ie, nesting is in FULL effect!

What I Look Forward to: I am at the point now where what I really really look forward to is meeting these two beautiful babies. I am ready. I mean, each day that passes, I can still find things to do, to finish, to cook and freeze, to make lists... but I just want to meet them. As scared and nervous as I am for them to arrive and change our lives forever, I welcome it with open arms.

Dear Tidy, I Promise..

I've had a lot of friends who suffer from post-partum issues. These issues are common, and they range from mild anxiety, nervousness to serious deep depression. I've known women with all variations. As I have also said in prior posts, my mom suffers from bi-polar disorder which I believe was worsened or triggered by post-partum issues.

Because of this, especially because of my mom's history, I have always had a deep fear of suffering from post-partum mood disorders and it is a deep enough fear that, for a long time I didn't even want to have kids. I feared that if I did, I would turn into my mom's disease. 

Right now, Tidy and I are in a grove. We communicate well, we let each other have independence when we need it, we share responsibilities in our house in a pretty equal manner, and we actually like hanging out together. We're a great team and I am grateful for that. I must be honest, however, that I worry this may change with the arrival of our twins. Twins that we have wanted for so long, and worked so hard to get to, but will be life changing nonetheless.

I've heard people say it to me 10 million times, "Oh Tippy, you have NO idea...  Life is going to be SOOO different. You will be so tired and out of it that you won't know which end is up." Yeah, I get it. It's gonna be hard, and life changing. Thanks. I'm not sure how that helps me now, but....

...what I do feel is that Tidy and I are strong and we can get through this, together. Yes, we have no idea what we are in for, but we will work through this, in our own way, as a team. This is what I want, and hope for this new part of our lives.

But then my fear of post-partum issues takes over and I worry what if I slip into some type of anxiety or depression and I don't team with Tidy well? And he can't convince me to get help? And we fall apart... and and and... 

So I wanted to write to you, Tidy, some words of promise that we can both come back to after our babies are born and we are both sleep deprived, and anxiously trying to figure out how to care for twins: 

Dear Tidy, 

Here are my promises to you as we anticipate our entry into the world of parenthood: 

• I promise to be your partner in raising our children and I promise to let you be mine
• I promise to try not to micromanage your parenting (Notice I said "try" here, as we both know this will be a challenge for me, but if I can learn how to not micromanage you in the kitchen, then there is hope I can in parenthood as well... ;-) ) 
• I promise to listen to you if you have concerns about my emotional well being and consider your thoughts on how to improve my health
• I promise to find time for you each day, to look you in the eye and say "hello" and "I love you", even if it is for just 2 minutes, and we both want just crash on the couch and sleep for a week

I am scared, and excited, and hopeful, and have so many different emotions right now. But mostly I know that we will enter into this new stage as a team, as one... I have faith in you, in me and in us. I love you more today than I have ever loved you and I can only imagine seeing you as a father will deepen this.

You Just NEVER Know...

... when and where your success stories will come from.

In the past 48 hours, I have watched as one of my dear dear infertility friends receive the most amazing life changing news. If you want to jump for joy for someone, you MUST go read her latest entry at : From IF to When.

Before you do, here's a very quick and dirty play by play on her story:

• 5 years of infertility treatments... nada
• Moved on to International adoption in Korea
• Korean program is closing down and decided to delay their application by at least one more year
• Grieved this loss, regrouped and moved on to a China program 
• Waiting for  paperwork and home studies to begin for China
• Got a phone call 2 days ago....

And then you'll have to read more

From IF to When

Sometimes you just have to wonder how this stuff happens...

Donor Anniversary

One year ago today, we turned a corner and never looked back. We signed on the dotted line and entered the world of Donor Egg IVF.

Our first donor, Dotty, didn't quite work out, because she didn't respond very well to the meds, but it is very significant to me because we committed to moving onto a new option to find our babies.

Little did we know, that that choice would bring us here today, a day shy of 35 weeks pregnant with twins.

I am ever grateful for this opportunity. I'm not sure where we would be today if we did not make this choice. I hope that we will always keep with us the sense of gratitude.

Anticipation of Change

The anticipation of the arrival of these babies has been making me a bit unstable lately. Our "to-do" list still has a few things on it and I think both Tidy and I are sensing this big change coming and reacting in our own ways, which are not always concordant.

I really want this last month (or less) to be a time when we can relax a bit, enjoy each others company and relish in the last remaining freedom and quite time that we have while we wait, excited and hopeful to finally meet these babies we have so longed for.

Because we react differently to these types of situations, we sometimes butt heads. My natural tendency is to organize, make lists, and want to get things done A.S.A.P, so we can then sit back and breath, while Tidy's nature is to not....Although, he has really been fantastic lately at getting some stuff done that I haven't even thought of, like getting Pog to the vet to get her current on her shots and making sure that the new doors we ordered are in and the guys we have can come over to install them.

I also think that some of these late pregnancy hormone changes has been making me shorter tempered and quicker to react. Either way, the blissful balance I have seemed to maintain thus far is starting to falter. I think I need more yoga :-)

Last night, we went to a friend's house for dinner and just stopped for a bit to sit around and talk and eat. It was nice and a good reminder that I can get what I want to get done and also still make time to enjoy the present moments.

I know, deep down, Tidy and I are both terribly excited about the change to come, but with any change, even one that you have been waiting for, for what seems like an eternity, there is always some part of you that wants to hang on to the present, because that is what is known. Make sense? I hope so. I don't mean for anyone to interpret that we do not 100% want this amazing gift we have been given, it's just the reality of the moment. Change is coming, a big, beautiful glorious change, but it's still change and with that, comes just a slight bit of anxiety.

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On the baby and mamma health front, we are all doing great. I went to my OB this past Wednesday to check in after our ultrasound a 2 weeks ago. He's very pleased with their growth and the fact that they are growing the same. Baby A was estimated at 4 lbs 3 oz and Baby B is 4 lbs 7 oz. We couldn't be happier.

Position wise however, that's another story. Baby A, the one who used to be head down and 'presenting' is now transverse and also higher up in my uterus. Baby B is closer to the exit and breech. At 34 weeks with twins, there is not much hope that they will turn head down, but rest assured I will be doing all that I can in these next few weeks to encourage them to turn. I started some Chiropractic care this week and I've been seeing my Acupuncturist. I've also found a fantastic website called: spinningbabies.com. Has anyone had luck with any of these methods? If a C-section is in my future, I know that I will come to accept it and focus on the positive of having our babies, but I am still very scared and sad at this possibility. I know some of you readers out there feel very strongly that I should just accept this fate and be happy for what I do have going well. And honestly, I will get there. But it's not a switch that I can just flip, I think it's more of a gradual grieving process.

Health wise, I am doing well too... no signs of increased blood pressure yet or major swelling, although we are expected to have a warm week starting today, so we'll see how that goes. I am looking at my toes right now and they could definitely use a pedicure... hmmm... maybe I'll have to do that on my way to Target this morning for the last round of returns from our showers.

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And now the stats & a belly pic (34w0d):

Status: 34w2d

Weight Gain: At the OB this past Wednesday, I was up 39 lbs. 

Symptoms:  I still have a bit of carpel tunnel,  but the braces that I wear to bed at night are helping a bit. And so are Tidy's comments about my "bowling wrist guards" and how he hopes it helps me pick up that "7-10 split"...  Also helping is the moxa stick that I use to encourage vertex positioning. It also seems to help clear out some of the fluid retention in my wrists. Also, this past week I've been a bit more "hormonal" that I have in the past, crying easily and getting a bit worked up over small things. I hope this passes.

Cravings: None to speak of

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  Still doing my once a week prenatal yoga and once a week prenatal pilates. I hope to make to the pool this weekend to do a little light swimming too, just to get the blood flowing and help with the minimal fluid retention.

Best Moment of the Week: At my OB appointment this past week, my doctor looked at me with a bit smile at the end of the appointment and said, "We're getting there! Things are going really well. 34 weeks is a fantastic milestone. I'm very happy with how well nature has been working here for you." And it just made me happy and realize that we really really have a big chance that these babies are going to be in our arms, healthy and thriving very soon. I still have to pinch myself that this is really happening.

What I Look Forward to: Hearing that one of my close blogger and IRL friends had a healthy labor and delivery of her much awaited for baby. She texted me yesterday saying she was starting to see signs of labor. I am on baited breath waiting until I get the phone call or text saying they are heading to the hospital. Sending her tons and tons of strength and hope for the delivery she has dreamed of for so long.

Can't Quite Get There

I can't get there... I don't feel it today.

For so many years, Mother's day has been a day of sadness for me. I have tried to focus on my mother but have also felt that my family didn't really understand why this day was so hard from me. I wanted for them to reach out to me, unasked, and say that they are sorry that I am still struggling.

Now, that I am pregnant and expecting twins very soon, many people have reached out to wish me well on this day. They are happy for me and excited and very sweet to say something. Even Tidy brought me my morning cup of tea in a mug a friend's mom got for me that says "New Mommy".

I cringed a bit, thinking, oh no! I don't want to jinx this. I don't have my babies in my arms...

Mother's day is hard for so many of us who have struggled or are still struggling to become mothers. It is also hard for those who have lost their mothers. They are reminded that they are not there yet or of what they have lost. Many years, I would just sit inside the house and cry on this day. I don't intend to do that today, but I also just can't feel that feeling I had expected to feel. Maybe I will feel it next year, when I am chasing my 11 month old babies around the house. Maybe I won't though. Infertility leaves scars, and this might just be one of mine.

I might, however, use this belly to go get my free custard at one of the local frozen custard shops they give out to "mothers" on this day. This is how I put my toes into the water on this day that I had so longed to be a part of.

To all of you out there, still struggling to become a mother in the traditional sense, or for those who have lost mothers and are grieving, I wish you peace and strength today.