Can't Quite Get There

I can't get there... I don't feel it today.

For so many years, Mother's day has been a day of sadness for me. I have tried to focus on my mother but have also felt that my family didn't really understand why this day was so hard from me. I wanted for them to reach out to me, unasked, and say that they are sorry that I am still struggling.

Now, that I am pregnant and expecting twins very soon, many people have reached out to wish me well on this day. They are happy for me and excited and very sweet to say something. Even Tidy brought me my morning cup of tea in a mug a friend's mom got for me that says "New Mommy".

I cringed a bit, thinking, oh no! I don't want to jinx this. I don't have my babies in my arms...

Mother's day is hard for so many of us who have struggled or are still struggling to become mothers. It is also hard for those who have lost their mothers. They are reminded that they are not there yet or of what they have lost. Many years, I would just sit inside the house and cry on this day. I don't intend to do that today, but I also just can't feel that feeling I had expected to feel. Maybe I will feel it next year, when I am chasing my 11 month old babies around the house. Maybe I won't though. Infertility leaves scars, and this might just be one of mine.

I might, however, use this belly to go get my free custard at one of the local frozen custard shops they give out to "mothers" on this day. This is how I put my toes into the water on this day that I had so longed to be a part of.

To all of you out there, still struggling to become a mother in the traditional sense, or for those who have lost mothers and are grieving, I wish you peace and strength today.

Taking One for the Team

(Side note: Don't forget that it's National Infertility Awareness Week!!! Do all that you can to bring awareness to this disease! Facebook, Tweet, Blog... whatever you can do to speak out)

Does anyone out there know what Custard is? Frozen Custard, I mean... I happen to live near the "Custard Capital of the World". It's like ice cream, but with extra eggs yolks and yummy goodness. So I guess then it has more fat and cholesterol in it. Which babies seem to like.

And thus, it's a new addition to my 3rd trimester diet.

My Perinatologist basically gave me the go-ahead to eat more frozen custard to help add more fat to my babies. And I thought to myself, "Sure... I GUESS I can take one for the team"

I think I've said this before, but... if I can't drink some good wine, then frozen custard (or ice cream) is a decent second place!

We had our monthly ultrasound last Friday and things looked pretty good, but the babies didn't grow quite as much as we would have liked/expected. Nothing alarming, but just not quite what the "average" gain should have been. Additionally, they are less close in weight than they have ever been. Last month, they were 2 lbs 2 oz and 2 lbs 4 oz (at 26 weeks) and this month they are 2 lbs 15 oz and 3 lbs 4 oz (at 30 weeks).

Because of this, the Peri decided to check the blood flow in the umbilical cords to make sure they were getting enough volume, and based on those results they are doing super! But the fact that they were a bit sluggish in growth this past month means that they want to monitor me just a bit more closely AND up the calories, specifically for fat and protein.... thus the custard. It could also mean that the placentas are starting to become a bit inefficient and so resting more is essential.

Got it... naps and custard... I can do that!

(Now some doctors don't agree that more calories into mama = fatter babies, within reason of course, like, I shouldn't be starving myself. But it will be interesting to hear what my OB says about this when I meet with him next week. My OB and Peri don't normally consult with each other unless there is something to consult on. So far, no need.)

Their slightly sluggish weight gain did worry me a bit, though. I think after a blissfully easy pregnancy so far, having something not be as fantastic as it could be put me into a worry spiral and a lot of the fear of things not going well from infertility crept back in. It's easy to let all of those other negatives and defeats overtake you and make you react to not so perfect news.

In the long run, things are certainly going to be fine, right? But one little blip and my panic button appears. Hormones, post traumatic infertility stress... however you want to explain it. I have calmed down for now... Maybe it's all the yummy goodness in the custard!

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And now the stats, and a belly pic:

Status: 30w5d (but the pic is from 30w0d)

Weight Gain: I'll weigh in again on Monday.

Symptoms:  Heartburn is gone!!! No idea why, but I'll take it. Having a few braxton hicks contractions still, but not every day and only if I take a really long walk or climb up a few flights of stairs.

Cravings: Frozen Custard!!! (Ha!, not really. But I'll pretend). Definitely feeling like I'm needing more protein though, so I'll have to find more creative ways of getting that into my body, since I normally don't eat meat. I suppose I can open my diet back up to turkey and of course bacon... who doesn't love bacon. Fish is always good too, assuming it's low in mercury.

Aversions: None to speak of

Exercise:  I've lost track of a week or so. But I have cut down on this a bit too, since the Peri told me a nap would be better than a walk at this point in my pregnancy. I am stubborn though and don't really want to turn into a total slug, so for now, I'm just trying to do a little walking here and there with the dog and then prenatal yoga.

Best Moment of the Week: My parents came for a visit on Friday to attend our ultrasound. It was neat to be able to share that experience with them. I wish they pictures would have been better, since as they babies get bigger in there, it is harder to get good angles to see their faces. But it was nice to have them with. Also, Tidy and I finished our childbirth and parenting class series at our HMO. They have occurred this past Saturday and the prior one from 9a to 4:30p. It's a LONG day for a weekend, but we're officially certified now!! As if that will make us good parents, right?

What I Look Forward to: This weekend, my friend Mags is coming to visit and take some pregnancy photos... before I get TOOO big for pictures!! I honestly do love this pregnant body now and while I tend to feel fat here and there, I am finding some beauty in it. So it will be nice to document that. Also, we should have a few more things done in the house this weekend so we can finally put the majority of the finishing touches on the nursery. I hope to update on that next week.