Last Time at the Cabin, Sans Babies

Tidy and I just got back from a little winter getaway to my P's cabin up north.

The first day we were there, we took a 6 mile hike through the woods with the pog. She was EXHAUSTED! I think she went up to her bed by 7p at night (it's usually around 9 or so). It was a beautiful winter hike (although it would have been better if there was snow) through pine forests, meadows and along the lake and sand dunes. We talked about how we love these hikes and hope that we can bring our babies on these through their lives.

The next day we splurged on a spa day. Steam room, massages and pedicures, tea (well, hot coco for Tidy) in a peaceful setting wearing the most comfortable of robes. I could do that once a week if I had the $$. It was bliss and utterly relaxing.

That night, as we laid on the couch by the fireplace, a bittersweet mood came over us. We realized that this is going to be the last time we are at the cabin, alone, without kids. And in that realization, we both had a little sadness, an acknowledge of an ending of the togetherness,  quietness and spontaneity that we currently have in our life without kids. We've love this life. It's been great to us, even with 5 years of infertility, we still found a great groove of Tippy, Tidy and the Pog. And while we are so very excited about our life to be with our babies, there is just a slight bit of sadness of what we are letting go of.

Does that make sense? Anyone else have this realization? It was actually a very sweet and tender moment, knowing how much we both very much treasure the relationship that we currently have. I think, hopefully, this will just make us stronger as we enter life with twins.

Last year, we were also at the cabin around this time and said good bye to 2010.  We started a little ritual of writing down the things we wanted to let go of onto paper and tossed it into the fire. Well this year, we didn't get around to that because 1) it's not new year's eve yet and 2) we felt somewhat nostalgic for this year.

2011 is going to go down in history as the year we finally got pregnant, as the year we conceived our babies. I definitely don't want to let go of those things.

And now...the stats:

Status: 14w1d

Weight Gain: Not sure yet. Won't have another weigh in until my next OB appointment in January. 

Symptoms: Still feeling like a normal non pregnant human except that I am hungry here and there. Nasal congestion is still there, but a little less. Headaches continue, even after some chiropractic care and a massage... 

Cravings: This week it has been green pepper pizza!!! So strange! I definitely don't normally like green peppers.

Aversions: Same as last time, no real aversions, just not craving things I really used to love.

Exercise: Bad week due to the holidays. Sunday - 3 mile run outside.  Tuesday - 1 hr spinning class. Wednesday - 6 mile hike.

Best Moment of the Week: Laying with Tidy on the couch at the cabin in front of the fire holding onto the good that we do have in our lives, somewhat scared of the change, but knowing that we are strong and are going to face our new lives head on, hand in hand.

What I Look Forward to: Finally coming out at work, hopefully this week. I've been waiting on a decision on a job by my Vice President. Long story, but I'm still in the running and I don't want him to know that I'm pregnant until he makes his decision. Hopefully we will find out this week and then I can let me stomach out. Pictures to come soon, I promise.

Donor X Needs a Nick Name!

Thank you everyone for such great encouragement, excitement and support in our decision on a donor and to move forward down this path. All of the positive words really give me a boost. It just makes it feel even more that this decision to try donor eggs is the right one.

Some of you, in your comments in my last post, asked how we came to a decision and what is the process like, so I thought I'd share a bit about that.

We chose to use an anonymous proven donor. Proven means that either she has been through a cycle before and has done well in that cycle or that she has a child of her how. Anonymous means that she doesn't know who we are and we don't know who she is. We did get to learn a bit about her as I will mention in a bit, but I don't think she knows anything about us. While I will never know the identity of my egg donor, I do have a picture of her when she was a very young girl. I also know some information about her, for example, she has a masters in Marketing but is now a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) and is in the process of going back to Nursing School. She has a little daughter of her own (yeah! her eggs can work!) and is 26 years old. She is blond, like me, athletic, like me, and is tall (ish) and thin, like me :-)  This will be her first IVF cycle, so we don't have prior knowledge of how well she usually produces eggs, but the fact that she has a daughter gives me great hope.

After spending a few weeks considering a few different clinics in the area and also a few different shared risk programs (you know, those package deals where you pay for 2x or so the cost of 1 cycle, but get 3 cycles included and a certain percentage of your $$ back if you don't have a take home baby by the end of the 3 cycles)... we decided to do just one cycle and stay with my clinic and RE here. I just adore her and think the convenience of being in my home town will help make this less stressful and easier. Also the cost is very competitive and my clinic's success rates are great too. 85% of the cycles have frozen embryos and 70% of them have a pregnancy. Now, I didn't ask if that was just a PREGNANCY or a TAKE HOME BABY, but its WAY better than the 5% chance I was given of success if I did this with my own eggs.

Just think... after all this is over, I could be pregnant, with some frozens for baby #2!! Granted, this is the ideal state of how I'd like for things to go, and we really don't know how she will respond, so I'll just hope and pray that we get at least one take home baby out of this deal.

So how did I choose her, donor X, you might ask? It really came down to her blond hair and her face. I feel familiarity in her face and even more so now that I chose her. I also decided that because both Tidy and I are mostly blond, I wanted to retain that piece of genetics in our child. I'm would assume that some people who go through this might find one characteristic they like about themselves that they don't want to lose, if possible, and so with me, it was my blond hair and a familiar face. 

It wasn't an easy decision though and it wasn't the first one I looked at. I went back and forth between all different thoughts. Did I want someone with similar intelligences as me? Height, weight? Nose shape, face shape? One donor was a 'rock star' donor and she has gotten 3 other women pregnant at our clinic in the recent past. Clearly she would be a great choice. Another recently went through a cycle that resulted in 30 eggs and 5 frozen. Another was Buddhist and I was really drawn to that (I don't have a label for my own faith, but I really like many of the Buddhist teaching). But last week, as I was mulling over a list of 3 or so and then my donor, donor X, was added to the list. At first I didn't think anything of her because she wasn't proven in an IVF sense, but after a few days of sleeping on it and talking it over with Tidy, she became our choice. And it feels like the right decision. So maybe that was my sign that I was looking for from my baby, that when we were ready to make a decision, this new donor became available. If so, thank you baby, for helping me out.

So, that about sums up some of the thoughts in my head. I'm sure more will come out as we go down this path, but for now, this weekend at least, Tidy and I are going up to my P's cabin to sit by the bonfire, drink wine (beer for Tidy), golf, read, sleep... and take a little breather from our real lives to celebrate our 7 year wedding anniversary. It's this Sunday, the 29th. I can't believe where this world has taken us but I wouldn't trade it, or him, for anything.

By the way, I need a nick-name for my donor. Any suggestions? I want something a bit snappier than donor X. Please leave me a comment and I'll choose my favorite one.