Stolen moments of sweetness

I was gifted tonight with a rare moment of peaceful bonding with my baby girl.

We put the babes to bed and it seemed to take her extra time to settle. She wasn't altogether crying, but just in there whining and saying "Mamamama.... " (Swoon!)

So I went in and was just going to rub her back, but she looked at me with those beautiful eyes and pointed both fingers up with her arms extended, her way of saying, "I want you to pick me up momma".

I obliged.

I took her to the studio couch in their room and laid down with her cradled in my left arm along side of my body with her face towards mine. I spent a few minutes just letting her snuggle in and then I began to lightly trace the outline of her face and nose and mouth with my finger. She looked up at me with a very peaceful smile as if to say, "I love you for taking this time with me, momma. Thank you. This feels so nice"

My heart is so full right now from this stolen few minutes. It's rare that my 1 year old babies stop moving enough to sit down and snuggle right now.

And yes, I said it. ONE. YEAR. OLD. BABIES!

They turned one on June 12th just a short 13 days ago. This past weekend we had a birthday party for them with our families. I can't believe it's been a year since the day they arrived in my arms. I also can't even begin to describe the amazing changes they have gone through in the past few months. They are completely different babies... Heck, they are actually toddlers now.

Tippy and Tidy tumultuous trip to toddlers has ended.. And the new one of raising toddlers has begun. I can't imagine where this next year is going to take us, how much change they will go through and how much more we will fall in love with them as they do so.

I had given thought to ending this blog here, especially because we really have completed our trip to toddlers. But I will keep this open for now and continue to pop in here and there until I figure out what to do with this blog.

For now, I will leave you with a few pictures of them and a fond hello to all of my friends and followers out there. We are doing well. Tidy is at home, I am at work. I would love for that to be the other way around, but I am grateful for the arrangement that we do have.  Parenting is insanely but the babies are thriving and that brings me peace. I'm crazy enough to even want more, but that has yet to be decided...

Blink of an eye

I start this post in my head many days on my commute to work and I often think of so many things to say, but after a day or two goes by and my brain is fried from being busy at work and tending to babies at night, by the time I get here, well... it seems no longer eloquent or it's completely gone.

So maybe I'll just start by saying that I can't believe that I am a mom to two 11 month olds. They are just shy of one month of their first birthday.

Seriously! How did we get here? Didn't we just get pregnant a few weeks ago? Oh, but wait, that was a life time ago ...

Life is going along fairly smooth these days. Some updates I suppose are due.

I am a full time working mom and I guess I just have to be that person right now. I don't want to. But I do like my job so that helps. I would give anything to be at home full time with my babies these first few years. But they are in amazing hands...

As you may recall, Tidy was given this school year off as a sabbatical from his school district, and is our full time at home parent. A few month ago, he then informed me that he had finally made the decision to not renew his contract and take his chance when we are ready for him to go back and be a full time stay a home dad for a least another school year.

Grateful is the best word I can use to describe how I feel. Sooo sooo very grateful. I don't know how parents do it who have to get up every day and get things ready to drop their kids off at day care and then pick them up and then get home and make dinner and do chores and errands and.... I know many many people have to. And I know that of course you all figure out how to if you need to do it. But I am so glad we don't have to add that extra stress to our lives right now. Not only is this helpful in the calmness of our daily lives, but he is truly amazing with these kids. I really really know that they are benefiting from his presence. He's so calm with them and loving and engaging. He talks to them constantly, and makes up these wonderful stories about their day. I do know that I would not do those things as eloquently as he does. I'm truly impressed and more in awe by him than ever.

M&M and the Bean Burrito are moving, babbling, so interested in everything, teething, and all around just engaged in life. They are so fun to watch and explore the world with. I can't wait for all the adventures we are going to have. They are also so different but yet incredibly sweet in their own ways. M&M is a bulldog. She's a fast little crawler and wants to explore everything, especially things you aren't supposed to. She says "dat?" and points to all of the objects in the room. Bean is also moving, although his crawl is a bit more unique in the army crawl style. He's such a sweet, sweet boy. A bit of a flirt and very observant. He sits back and let's M&M take on the world and then when he is ready, he accomplishes his goal in his own way and is so proud of it. They both have their unique ways of telling me that they need me and both of them still turn my heart to butter. It pains me to leave them every morning for work, even yet.

As for you, my dear fertility warriors... I am here, rooting you all on with a passion. I don't get here much, but I'm here, sending all of my hope for your success and all of my strength for you to keep fighting. I hope that this past Mother's day was tolerable for you and that you felt loved or recognized by someone in your family or support network for what you are going through, especially on that day. It's a hard one and I didn't forget.

On my first Mother's day last week, we spent the day with my family and had dinner together. It was low key, no gifts and just family time... just as I wanted it to be. I spent so many of those days lying around in my house, avoiding the public and television and radio because I didn't want to experience the pain of not being a mom on the day that the rest of the world celebrates. I know you understand. So for me, this day was still more of a reminder of all of you who are still struggling and who were hiding in the wings, waiting for the pain to pass. I thought of you all and honored you. It's just one day... it's just one day I would tell myself....

That's about all I have right now. I am toying with ending this blog in the very near future, after all they are toddlers now... no more little babies. Tippy and Tidy HAVE traveled a tumultuous trip to toddlers.

It is an honestly bittersweet feeling. I can't describe it. So all I can do is hold on to them, very loosely and stay as present as I can in the moments we spend together, soaking it all in... because I do truly still soak it all in. I have to... if I blink an eye, I still feel like this could all be gone in a heartbeat...

I love you babies, more than you will ever know.

I'm still infertile

I still am infertile, sub fertile, suck at getting pregnant.. whatever... That's still who I am.

But I own it now. I own infertility, it doesn't own me.

I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, but it's place in my life is one of an identity, a battle scar, a little thing that I "show" people here and there when the timing is right as part of the fabric of who I am. 

I wonder sometimes how others feel after they've reached the other side and have succeeded in having a child or two after a long fought battle. I still think about it. And I still think about you all who are on the other side, struggling to get to this one. Rooting for you with all of my hope and might. You are in my thoughts, even though I'm not here often.

It comes up in conversation. People ask if twins run in our family, but I usually say something like, "No, it took us a long time, we had to use fertiilty treatmeitns"

(Yeah, just doing my part at perpetuating the myth that all fertility treatments end up in multiples... You can thank me later ;-) )

It comes up in the quite times in our house when the babies are asleep and Tidy and I look at eachother and pause and think, hmm... this is how quiet it was before kids. Remember? And do you remember all of that pain?

We kind of look at eachother with a little nod but we don't go back there. It's strange. It's this weird feeling to know that for so many years (5 to be exact), we were in a lot of emotinal pain and sometimes anger and often sadness. But somehow, we haven't dug deep back into those depths to really feel that again. It feels so very far away.

Having our babies has made it hard to feel that again.

I'm glad.

And I guess I want to let others of you out there who are still going through this know that hopefully, once you have your babies woven into your lives, you will let go of that pain too and it won't be as easy to access as it once was.... or at least I hope that's how it feels for you.

Sure, you can hold onto it, and let it rot inside you, and be bitter... and there will always be reminders here and there of what that used to feel like... Like when a friend tells you she they got pregnant the first month trying, or you over hear conversations of people talking about how they planned the month they wanted to have their baby. Meh.

But overall, the pain is gone. My heart is filled with so much joy and awe that these two crazy little babies are ours. (Mommy loves you guys, more than I can even find words for)

First Day Date and My Baby Boy's Eyes

I often write blog posts in my head, but when I finally get here, I just don't know where to begin. There is so much that I want to say... 

Parenting really is the hardest thing one will ever do. This love is so intense that it absorbs much of your time and thought. For that, I am somewhat thankful, as it forces you to stay in the present, which we all need very much.

Here are a few out takes from last month's "photo shoot" (I do one every month on the same couch with the same outfit, changing out the month sticker for documentation. I'll post the 8 month one soon since we will be taking them this weekend)

Tidy and I had our first real day date a few weekends ago. We had two of my sisters and my parents come to hang out with the babies from noon on Saturday till about 4 or so. No, I didn't require a 2 to 1 babysitter to kid ratio, but I opened up the offer to my family and well, there were a lot of takers. They all live about 3 hours away, so they don't get to see the babies as much as maybe they would like. I gave them enough notice, so I think that they all jumped at the chance. They did a great job at babysitting... the house AND kids were both in tact when we came home. I might even let them come back and do it again!

On our date, Tidy and I went to a day spa for a steam and a couples massage. It was absolute bliss. My body is so beat up from pregnancy, tending to babies, sitting at a desk and typing much of the day and not getting as much time in my life to do yoga as I once did. Needless to say, he worked quite a few knots out of my back. I should probably go back every few days... Ha!

After our lovely time at the spa, we headed to a local coffee shop/wine store/cafe and grabbed a beer to sip and have a late lunch. We found a spot on a couch in there in front of a fire and snuggled up. I cried a few times. I think working out the knots releases emotion and pain and things that have been stored up. The tears were of joy, of gratefulness and of realization, that even though Tidy and I are doing great together, we do need that time to reconnect with each other. It was nice to just sit next to him and not talk about much and feel like you have to accomplish chores at home or sleep because you are tired, or plan for something the next day. I missed him, even though we are together so often.

It reaffirmed that we are doing a great job at this thing we call life and parenting and marriage.

Also, it made me feel good that I did this in my own time. Some might say that we should have done this along time ago, but you know what, we did it when I was ready. And because we waited until I was ready, I was able to go away with him for those hours and be at peace, and present with Tidy.

So thank you my sweet sisters and parents. And thank you Tidy for giving me the space and time to do this when I was ready. I love you more for that than you know.

I also promised a few entries ago some thoughts on the Bean Burrito since I did write a little blurb about M&M and her dancing hands, so below are some observations about my baby boy... the boy with the light in his eyes.

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 My sweet Bean Burrito. We've dropped the Burrito off your nick name quite some months ago, as we don't need to swaddle you anymore. You have such a beautiful soul inside those eyes and I can not wait to hear your voice and have a conversation with you. For a few months now, you have been struggling a bit with pain from teething, we think. I wish you could tell us what is wrong. It's so hard to see you unhappy from time to time.  You had always been my happy baby boy, easy to self soothe and snuggle yourself into bed at night. The past few months though, you need a lot of reassurance and cuddling (I don't mind of course, as I love to extra snuggle time with both of you when I can get it. I know it won't last forever). I think we are getting close to some teeth for you, so I hope hope hope that the fussiness will lessen.

Your eyes melt my heart, baby boy. You smile through them and they sparkle. Months ago, when we had to sooth you and your sister to bed for quite some many hours, I would sing to you "The Rainbow Connection" song and it would quite you and help you rest into sleep. Now, as I nurse you sleep at night, I still sing this song from time to time and I see the recognition in your eyes. You pause and look up at me and those bright smiling eyes make me see the kindness already within you. Your Aunt Coco said to me, "He doesn't look at anyone else the way he looks at you"

I hope that as we walk through life together, I will see that sweet look in your eyes from time to time.

7 Month - Eve

M&M and the Bean Burrito will be 7 months tomorrow. They are now closer to a year old than to the day they were born. (Well, they were the day they turned 6 months, but... whatever).

So how's life, you are wondering?

I would say we've found a bit of a rhythm. Tidy is an amazing stay at home dad. I am tolerating being a  working mom and doing my best to kick some serious butt at work during the day so I can come home and focus on these two joys of my life. Here's a recent picture of them over the holidays...

The cutest, right??

M&M is my sweet baby girl. She is so inquisitive and bright and cheerful and patient. Sometimes she has a little scared, easily startled streak, especially when she is tired. It's the saddest thing when she gets upset and her little bottom lip curls down and you can see the beginning of her cry. I just want to hold her and tell her it will be ok and she's fine. 99% of the time, however, her face just lights up the room.

Bean is my amazing baby boy. He's been a bit fussy for a few months. I think we finally have figured out that he did indeed have an ear infection (even though the doctors wouldn't believe me for a while) and have got him on some meds. Evenings were very challenging with him as we would lay him down and he would just hold his head in pain. Tylenol didn't help much nor did Advil. We just had to hold him and cuddle him. There have been some long nights but I definitely feel like we are turning a corner. I will say that he does let us know when he's tired or in pain and needs to just go take a nap. This I love about it. M&M had her 'tell' as well... which is a little far off stare. Adorable.

When Bean is happy though, which is the majority of the day, he is such a sweet and cuddly and almost innocent looking baby boy. His eyes melt my heart when he looks at me and hold his arms towards me to pick him up.

They both melt my heart.. especially when I come home from work and they hear my voice and turn to me and smile. Knowing that they will be getting milk for it's source instead of a bottle, since they have never really taken well to the bottle, might be the reason they simile, but I choose to believe that it is also that they are just happy to seem me. Being away from them during the day breaks my heart, but luckily work is so busy that my days go fast and I can rush home to cuddle, feed and do bed time with them.

Life is moving on as we know it... We are getting out to do family adventures on the weekends, we are learning how to get some more decent sleep, we are able to keep the house in somewhat of an order and even start to cook most of our meals again.

So of course when life gets into a groove, I want to go and mess with it :-) I start to think about what our next steps are. I should listen to myself sometimes and just enjoy these moments, which I truly do. Really. My favorite times of the week are Saturday and Sunday mornings when we sit and have coffee in the nursery with them and play in our pajamas. We FaceTime with their aunts and grandparents and simply just revel in the fact that we have two beautiful children, who we waited ever so long for.

But soon, we will have to make harder decisions. Does Tidy go back to work in the fall when his sabbatical is over? If you recall, his school district was gracious and gave him a year leave to stay at home with them. He can go back in the fall and retain his tenure and pretty much have his dream job of teaching 8th grade history. It's a hard call though because we'd have to adjust to life with getting the kids ready in the mornings to go to day care and we would not really be saving any $$ from his salary. What he makes would go to child care, and possibly more. In my mind, it's a no brainer. Just stay home until the kids go to school. But that's because I would give my hand and foot to do the same. But what makes sense to me in my head doesn't necessarily make sense to him. And I don't want either of us to regret the decisions we make. We will, of course, make a big pro and con list and we will talk it over. Whichever way we decide to go, we will be fine, I'm sure. But it's hard knowing this decision is looming over us and neither way we decide will be perfect.

On top of that, and luckily this is a decision we don't have to make right now, we have some really nice frozen embryos sitting at our clinic. And I really do want to have more kids. (I think). Again, another big pro and con list is in my head. I'm nostalgic for my pregnancy and also for the infant stage of having babies.  M&M fell asleep in my arms the other night as I nursed her and it reminded me of the days where I would just hold them and feed them and they would sleep there for hours. I cried, knowing that I may never experience that again. I'm every grateful to HAVE experienced it, I know. Really and truly, I do know this.

It's just another option that we are lucky to have and I have not been able to put the thought of having another baby out of my head. For now, I've decided to wait unit after their first birthday before we revisit. Tidy, I think, would be happy being done.

Finally, Tidy and I are doing well. We don't, of course, get as much time for each other as we would like. But we are finally having some peace at night to sit next to each other and fall asleep. It's bliss :-)

For now I will leave you with one more picture of our babies from over the holidays. They had a blast with our relatives and were just so joyful to be experiencing all these new faces and holiday fun. I honestly love trying to look at life through their eyes. It makes all of the worries and future decisions go away... I could stare at them forever...

My Everythings

Hi!

Remember me?

I'm Tippy. This is my blog. I write here.

Clearly not much, lately.

I suppose that's what happens when you are a working mom of twins.

First things first. The babies are amazing. Hectic, fussy sometimes, not the best sleepers, but absolutely amazing. Each day I love them more and more. They will be 6 months next week. I can not believe it. This half year has gone warp speed, yet we seem to have come so far. I know you understand. Life changes affect your life at warp speed.

I feel like having the twins caused my life to go from zero to 60, heck zero to 100 in like 1.1 seconds and then adding back in the full time work gig, well that accelerated it even more. I spent so much time in those first few months in a heightened state of function. go go go go go.

And then something clicked. I finally relaxed into this. I found my groove with the babies and the house and the husband and I just let go. I let go of the feeling of always having to accomplish something each day, like cooking a meal, or getting to the grocery store, or sorting through their clothes that they have outgrown quickly. I let go and realized that that feeling wasn't how I wanted to be around them. I wanted to simply enjoy them and look back on this year with a sense of peace and joy that I was able to soak it in as best I could. Especially since with being a working mom, my week day time with them is so limited.

I miss them immensely during the day. Immensely. I don't think they will ever know how deeply I wish that it was me who was helping them navigate through these young years. I fantasize in the car on my commute to work about being able to go into my boss and say, "Tidy and I have talked about it and we decided that he was going back to work and I am going to stay home... indefinitely". I know it's not all roses, and I'm sure that there would be many days where I wish that I was back at work, but I wish I could give it a try.

I do my best to "own" my role (wink wink.. that's for you Tidy) and do a good job. I try hard not to bring home the stress that I feel from my work right now. I try hard to switch it off and come home and just soak in the 2 hours or so I get with my babies during the work days. I try hard to just have that be enough on those days.

It not enough though.  It's never enough...

But I have to learn how to let it be enough for now.

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So what's up with those sweet babies, you ask? Oh man... so very much. They are close to sitting up on their own, they are teething (drooling like mad, feet and hands in their mouth at all times, a bit fussy here and there), they are starting to acknowledge eachother and want to reach out, they reach out to me and to their favorite toys, they laugh when I make silly face at them and play peek-a-boo, they sit in their high chairs when we are eating dinner and they watch us and want to be a part of it, they are so just open to the world... its amazing. When we take them new places, they are the stars of the show. They open their eyes and look around and soak it in and smile and coo at everything new.

This openness reminds me that I need to be open too... open to the life that I have right now and not the life that I want... once again, the world's gentle way of telling me to just... be... here, because as a wise woman once said (in a book I am reading called Momma Zen)... "here is everything and everything is here"

So here is a picture of my everything...

A resolution and little dancing hands

Writing my last post really helped me free some of the frustration I was feeling and re-focus my energy.

I've resolve to do the following:

1. I will stop reading about everyone else's "perfect" kids on the internet and how they got there. I don't need to get anywhere. I am here.
2. I will stop asking for advice since everyone has some and they usually feel very strongly about it. I don't need advice. Every kid and family is different.
3. I will trust my instincts... I will take the time to listen to them.

I can now let go of the fact that my babies aren't sleeping exactly like babycenter.com says they should be and just focus on them. I can be comfortable in the uncomfort, in the unpredictable-ness of their ever changing patterns and I can be hopeful in the trends that we are starting to see. But mostly, and I say this because this is hard for me, the analytical, process following, predictable natured mathematician... mostly I can just let go and really really just enjoy these babies and their ever changing natures.

They are absolutely fascinating. Truly. Every day I see them again after work, or when I wake in the morning on my days off, I am in utter awe of their inquisitiveness, of their seeming growth over the night, of their sweet sweet souls. And I am in love... deep deep love. 

Here's an example of the moments with them that I want to absorb, relish, dive into and just experience: 

My little M&M and I have developed a dance we do with our hands when she nurses, especially at at night. She is a very delicate nurser, light in my arms and quiet at my breast. Her hands explore and reach out for mine. She's only 4.5 months old and yet she seems to want to grab and move and caress my own hands, exploring the space between my fingers and pulling and pushing my fingers in various directions as she nourishes herself. Eventually, deep in the night, her little fingers slow down and she rests my finger on her chest, her sucking slows and I gently persuade her back to her bed. But as I do this, I think to myself, burn these memories into your brain, Tippy, because this too shall pass... 

It's a very tender time in my mind, since during the day, she's so alert and attentive to the environment and goings on around her that her attention darts from place to place. Once in a while she will sit on my lap and look at me, smile and coo and coo and coo, telling me about her day. These moments shoot me forward a few years into when she will be talking. I envision myself coming home from work and she greeting me, babbling excitedly about her day, wanting to tell me every little detail of the new things she saw and learned. But for now, I hold on dear to those little sweet hands when they reach out for mine and hope at some level, she always wants to hold my hand.

(a post on the bean burrito yet to come...)

Big Girl Pants

No, my 4 month old daughter is not potty trained...

I'm referring to me.

I've used this expression a lot lately, even though maybe I just made it up in my head. I intend it to mean that I just need to suck it up and "put on my big girl pants" and go do what I need to do instead of worrying about other things that I can not control at the moment.

I'm 7 weeks back into being a working mom and it is really the most challenging thing that I have done as of late. I feel like I've lost all of my good coping skills that I had learned when going through years of infertility. Somehow, I can't seem to translate those skills to this new environment. Maybe the sleep deprivation has something to do with it.

Here are the issues:

1. Our babies suck at sleep, ie, the wake every 2-3 hours in the middle of the night. BabyCenter tells me that they should be sleeping much better. (Fuck you Baby Center)
2. Our babies suck at GOING to sleep. It takes us a few hours of pacifier replacements and rocking and some feeding to get them to sleep at night. (PLEASE do not tell me to cry it out, do not tell me that I need to put them to bed earlier, or later or in a different room... blah blah blah. Just please refrain from telling me what to do. I've heard it all and I don't need your advice. I'm cranky because of the sleep deprivation, so hearing others advice might just make me even crankier. Thanks... No offense)
3. Our babies are sleeping in their car seats... still. And every time we try to get them to sleep in their cribs, it fails. (Again, PLEASE.. no advice... we are trying)
4. I'm working and at work I have way too much on my team's plate and we have some very near deadlines and I don't feel comfortable with everything that we have to get done.
5. Tidy's at home with the babies where I would rather be. He's doing a great job. I'm proud of him. But he's not doing the job exactly the way I would be doing it. I know that me trying to micro manage his parenting and stay at home dad groove is NOT the direction we need to go in for the health of both of our minds and our marriage, but it just makes me wish that I was home with them too.
6. Tidy's a stay at home dad and he doesn't outwardly seem as excited about it as I THINK that I would feel if I was staying at home. (Notice the word Think.... I can not truly say how I would feel since I don't do it.)
7. I'm tired.. have I mentioned that?

Because of these issues, I feel like I'm not living the best life that I can be right now.When I'm at work thinking about how  my babies are doing and what I would be doing with them if I were there. When I'm at home, I'm worrying about the work my team has to accomplish and if I am motivating them enough to do the best job or communicating with them enough to give them knowledge they need to do their jobs.

And then on top of that, I realize that I am cranky a lot and I do not want to look back on this time with that haze around it. I don't want to regret missing things or not just being present when I am with my children.

Parenting is hard (No shit, you say...). Parenting twins is hard (Again, no shit). But what is even harder, in my opinion, is to stop the anger, resentment, frustration and negativity in my brain, put on my big girl pants and just accept this working mom thing as the role that I have to play in my life and play it well.

Playing it well means then that I am present at work when I am at work and present at home when I am at home. Playing it well means not getting frustrated at Tidy or at the lack of sleep I am getting and just acknowledge the two beautiful lives that are present in ours and enjoy them. Playing it well means not getting anxious that they aren't sleeping the way the "Internet" says they should be sleeping and just gently try to work towards getting there... because we will get there.... right?

Phew....

Thanks for letting me vent today. I needed it.

I also desperately need a hair cut. So I'm going to do that tonight instead of worry about how many times I need to go back in and put the pacifier in my sweet M&M's little mouth.

Concei-versary

One year ago from 10/6, yesterday, a very giving woman (who we coined Dotty 2.0), went into our fertility clinic and donated her eggs to us, 24 in fact. Tidy went in around the same time and within a few hours, the bean burrito and M&M were conceived.

It's crazy to think about that....

I just went back and read my post from that day. It was a somewhat sad post. I do remember feeling like I had no hand in that day, that so much excitement was going on but I had nothing to do with it. I also felt sad for the loss of my own genetics, but I'm lucky that I some wise friends to give me support.

A year later, as I know the result of those beautiful 24 eggs from our very generous donor, I jump for joy in what they brought us: And end to the pain of struggling, a new hope of some success, and 9 months later, the other best day of my life (other to my wedding day)... the birth of our children.

Children... I have 2! A son, a daughter. It's overwhelming to think this... mind blowing. And you know what? The fact that they are not genetically related to me rarely, if ever, crosses my mind. M&M and the Bean Burrito are my babies. Full stop.

(and Tidy's too, of course)

So yesterday, and over the next few days, I will relive these hopeful moments in my mind. The egg retrieval, our trip to watch Tidy run a marathon that Sunday. My sister L and I running around the course, me waiting anxiously daily for our embryo reports and then a few days later, the transfer of two perfect blasts... I'm feeling sentimental and grateful... so so grateful.

And for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of our 2 miracles, one year from the day their were conceived. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

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As for us on the home front, things are going well. They are just shy of 17 weeks and moving right along. M&M is still pretty fussy. She's on reflux meds which are helping a lot, but she goes from 0-60 in seconds flat. Bean Burrito is a bit calmer, but his fussiness level has increased lately. It makes me think that the are both going through some major development changes. We are working on getting a schedule established. 7pm bed time, a few long naps during the day, but they seem to have 'regressed' a little on sleep. They wake up more often now than they did say a month ago. We put them to bed at 7 fairly easily but then they seem to wake up a half hour to an hour later not realizing that it's the time they should be taking their "long nap". They used to sleep through the night, but now they are waking up again every few hours. It's making for a very tired mamma and pappa, especially come 5:30 am when I have to get up and get ready for work.  I'm hoping this is just a developmental phase they are going through and that in a month or so they will go back to better sleeping. 

They have their 4 month shots this coming friday and then we are heading back to where both of our parents live next weekend for a family party with my relatives to meet the babies. My dad is calling it "Twin-palloza"... I'm really looking forward to it, but a bit anxious that it will over-stimulate them and we will have some major cranky babies to deal with. We'll do our best to swoop in and get them some naps during the party. Keep your fingers crossed!

Work Shmerk

I've survived 2 weeks of being a working mother with 3 month olds. It sucks.

Honestly, it really does.

I know people say it gets easier, and yes, the waking up and the routine does. But I don't like it one bit. I miss them so much throughout the day and want so badly to be there for them. I'm so grateful that they are with Tidy. It's the second best thing to me. But it hurts when they are not with me.

Is this unhealthy? I don't think so. I think it's just the honest emotion of this. I never really thought that I could be a full time stay at home mom. And I'm not sure that in the long run I could. But I do know that  if I had the choice, I would not be working right now. They are too young. And I feel like I am missing so much. I think I should have moved over seas...

Here's a few pics for now to tide you over until I get some time to actually write a meaningful post.

M&M w/ her Grandpa giving the all knowing look of "Yeah, I got him wrapped around my finger"

The Bean being a "fussy guss" in his fathers chest. The cry he has makes my heart melt. I want to fix them... every time.

3 month mug shot

Back to the Grind

12 weeks seems like a long time in the beginning. When you think about all that has happened in those 12 weeks, it seems like we have lived an eternity.... Water breaking, babies being born, extended stay in the hospital, finally a homecoming, adapting to sleepless nights, adapting to breast feeding, adapting to cluster feeding and excessive crying, adapting to tandem feeding, adapting to being together 24 hours a day and making that work for almost 3 months solid, adapting a dog to babies, figuring out how to eat, sleep, brush your own teeth and take a shower in those early days, handling tons and tons of visitors, and mostly falling deeply and madly in love, like no other love I've ever experienced, with these two beings.

This past Tuesday was my first day back at work. I cried the night before thinking about not being with my babies constantly as I had been these last 12 weeks, thinking about not being able to help them whey they cry, worrying that they will forget me, and forget my smell and my hugs, my rocking...

But then I drove to work yesterday and thought about all of the drives I have done to work not having these babies, crying in my car over another failed cycle and another pregnancy announcement. I have my dream babies now, two in fact, and we are happy and healthy. I don't have to cry anymore. So I decided then and there that I would "own" this working mom thing. I would be the best provider for my family, in the monetary sense, that I could be and set an great example for my son and daughter (MY SON AND DAUGHTER!!!.. wow, is that amazing to see in print). I would put on my happy face and do my best to treasure the moments that I do have with them on a work day... the early morning feedings, the baths and bed time cuddles. I will make those moments my favorite moments and be present, wholly.

And that attitude worked for the first day. But then today, when I started to leave for work again, I got very sad. I think the inevitability, the permanence of not being with them every day set in.

In time this will get easier. But right now, I would give anything to be able to stay at home with them....

Dear Babies,

Mamma loves you so much. I don't even know how to describe it. I said I would never say this as a parent, but if you are parents some day, you will understand this love. I have just spent almost every waking moment of your last 12 weeks with you... feeding you, nurturing you, loving you, playing with you, changing your diapers, giving you baths, watching your first smile, watching you change from an infant to a baby, seeing some recognition in your face that you know me, and smile at ME... and it's honestly been the best 12 weeks of my life. Tidy and I are so in love with you and ever thankful that we were able to all be together as family for these first 12 weeks.

It's now time for me to go back to work and I do so with a heavy heart. I know that in the long run, you will hopefully think nothing of it. I'm sure you won't remember these days where I used to be there all of the time and now I am only there for a few hours at each end... As they say, it's harder on me than it is on you, but what I do hope is that as a working mom, I can set a great example for you of a balanced life, of one where you feel loved and supported by Tidy and me and of a great partnership in Tidy and me as we work in new roles to help raise you the best we can...

I will always treasure these first 12 weeks of your lives as one of the most simple and centered of my life. I love you with all of my heart and soul and still sometimes pinch myself that you are really finally here.

Love, Mamma... (aka Tippy)

M&M last week:

The Bean Burrito last weekend:

10 weeks

Weeks, days, hours, are flying by. Each day seems to go so fast, but when I look back on the day and the weeks, months, so much has seemed to happen. Kids change your perspective on time, huh?

The past few days have been up and down with my sweet little M&M. She has some fussy ones and then ones when she could sleep all day. I think there is so much going on in their little brains and they are changing at such a rapid pace that some days they just need to sleep and other days they need to fuss. We've started some reflux meds for her and also probiotics. Hopefully that and time will help her with her pain and sadness. We have had more happier moments lately and that has been nice. One interesting thing that she has started is a pout when she gets sad or is in pain and it just melts my heart. She's becoming so much more expressive and it makes me proud.

The Bean Burrito has been his ever steady mellow sweetie... I could snuggle with him all day. He's also very expressive and seems to look at me with adoring eyes, melting my heart yet again.

Tonight, as Tidy made dinner for my mom and me, I put Bean & M in their two rock-n-play thingies and sang to them. They were both looking at me and smiling and responding with coos and various other expressions that I felt like it was the first time we were all communicating together... The warmth I felt as my family spent time together in my favorite room, the kitchen, fulfilled a long sought after dream. Hopefully a lifetime of family dinners sits before us.

These kids do something new each day that help me get over the interrupted sleep, fussy crying and being pooped and puked on...way over. They bring me so much joy, it's unexplainable.

Colic is the Devil

My sweet little M&M has developed colic over the past few weeks. I'd say it truly started around week 7. She's just over 9 weeks today. And this, my friends, is no "gassy" stomach...

What we are dealing with here is 3+ hours of on and off crying in the evening, most days of the week. Additionally, it has started to creep into our morning and afternoon as well. We have tried everything: probiotics, gripe water, the "5 S's" from the Happiest Baby on the Block book, wearing her, keeping her at the breast. We've even started reflux meds in hopes that this might be some of the cause.

But deep down inside, I do believe that this really has not much to do with reflux or the gas we hear coming from her from time to time... I think it's just her sweet little body is not quite ready to handle all the stimulation that she is so very interested in in this new world, and we just have to ride the wave and hope she grows out of it soon.

Tidy is in our "dark room" right now rocking her with white noise by her ear. (It's our office, that we've moved the baby swings into. It has the only light blocking shades in the house, so we use it as a place to help them nap... thus the "dark room"). He's better at consoling her than I am (Which also breaks my heart, on top of the already breaking heart from all of the crying. I think he has to really tune into her and figure out what she needs, where as I just use the breast... it's a magic weapon, sometimes.

But colic not only is sad for the baby, it is breaking our hearts, making our nerves frazzled, having us take precious time away from the Bean Burrito somewhat, or at least not be able to give him as much attention since M&M needs so much right now. I hope he will forgive me. He's such a sweet soul.. so happy and calm. I guess I'm quite thankful they are both not suffering from this.  She's such a sweet little soul too. She's got the most precious smile and she can break your heart in an instant. But the crying... the blood curdling crying...

Our nights are robbed of time together too. We go back and forth from helping to soothe her, communicating via text messages across the house. "I need a break"... "Can you bring me some water?"... "Will you make dinner?"

When will this end? 2ish weeks has seemed like an eternity. Yet another time that I want to scream at the "fair" keepers in the world (which I know don't exist). I want to say to them, "Why the fuck did this happen too? 5 years to get these babies, C-section infection and now a colic-y baby? Why can't we just enjoy this and have things go smoothly for once". Yes, I say that in my head a few times over and let it out. But I know we will get through this and I know that I am still blessed to have these beautiful lives in ours.

I'd better go relieve Tidy. He's been a trooper tonight, consoling not only M&M, but also me, the wife who is struggling not to cry right along with her.

Sigh.

A little reassurance goes a long way

I can't believe that 8 weeks has gone by since my water broke. It has seemed like ages and also like just a blink of the eye. So much has seemed to happen in such a short amount of time.

We went on our first weekend getaway and road trip.
(They did amazing!! Slept in their car seats both nights, but traveled well)

M&M at the resort

We took our first hike.
(We wore them in the Mo.by wraps and hiked up to a bluff to look over the river nearby. It was sunny and breezy and they got a lot of fresh air... tired them out, I think)

The Bean Burrito, Pog and Tidy on our hike

We went to our first farmers market.
(Momma got a big big cup of iced coffee and a pain au chocolat at the bakery... yum!)

My coffee, oh and the twins at the market

We've had our first purposeful smiles that I can now get to happen on a fairly regular basis.

We are also experiencing our first bout of fussiness, or excessive crying, which some might term "colic".

The other night, as I lie asleep and Tidy took the early "night shift" on the couch with the babies in swings (did I mention that we are creating monsters and letting them sleep in their swings at night right now? It's the only way we are getting sleep..), he wrote me this:

Tip, 
Just sitting here looking through your blog, the words, the pictures and at the babies swinging across from me. I hope you realize what a wonderful job you have done. Our journey had the potential, at many stops, to crush our will to continue. But here we are... parents to two amazing lives. Do not doubt yourself for a single minute. You are amazing. We will thrive in this journey together.

I love you, 
Idy

(Yes, we have shortened versions of Tippy and Tidy...)

I needed to hear that. This parenting thing is hard! Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough and I worry they are not getting the proper amount of stimulation, or attention, since I have to divide it between two. Do they feel loved? Do they feel comforted? Especially lately, with M&M, who is developing "colic"... I hate to see her cry and not be able to stop it immediately and consistently. Poor M&M!! (We are going to the Dr today to see if maybe it's reflux or gas or... or just fussiness that we hope she will grow out of soon).

I also worry about going back to work in just 4 short weeks. Are they going to miss me? Will they know how very much I love them? I'm going to miss so many firsts that Tidy will see (Yes, I am a slight bit jealous... ok... a lot).

In the end, I know we are doing a good job... hopefully a great job. It's just all so new that some days a little reassurance goes quite a long way. Maybe one day, a long time from now, I will hear from each of them individually, that I did a 'bang up job' as a mamma...

That will be a fine day.

Dear Babies,

I love watching you wake up... I love the stretches, the back arches, the lip smacks, the feet curls and the arm raises. All of it is so human and I can't believe is coming from a 7 week old infant.

I love seeing you look at the world with wonder...I love how your eyes peer out at our yard, see the sharp contrast of our big trees on the blue sky and how you turn your head when you hear the birds sing.

I love watching you feed... I love that I am the sole provider of this nourishment to you. It amazes me that my body can sustain you.

I love seeing you smile...I love that sometimes those smiles are, I think, actually intended for me.

I love hearing you use your voice... I love your grunts, your coos, your gurgles and your cries. Sometime I think I understand what you are trying to tell me.

I even love your poopy diapers, your middle of the night cries and feedings, your milky spit-ups and your fussy moments where I can't get you to be happy.

Love, Mom

The Intensity of this Love

Almost 6 weeks old... almost half of my maternity leave over.

I need to learn to from myself and focus on these little babies and each day I have with them instead of the dwindling number of days left before I have to go back to the corporate machine.

As I write this, they are both sitting nearby in their respective 'rock n play's sleeping after their morning feed, cooing and grunting away. They continue to break my heart when I look at them and hold them. Last night, at about 10:30, during a particularly long nursing session (read: CLUSTER FEED!!!) I was looking at M&M and literally saw her life flash before my eyes... walking & talking, sending her of to school, dropping her of at college, watching Tidy walk her down the isle at her wedding...

Yes, I know, I'm getting WAY ahead of myself (AND I'm imagining a traditional life, which she may or may not have... but you get my point). Every time I hold them and look at them and hear them coo and see them change just a bit, while I want things to get a bit easier on the sleep front, I don't want them grow.

It's a weird position a parent is in with a newborn. They are 100% completely dependent on you..for everything. And somehow, even though they can not speak, you figure out how to respond to their crying and you give them love

What they give you back isn't a lot since at this point they still just think of me as that place the go to get that stuff that goes in their mouth that tastes good and stops them from crying... and oh maybe a warm chest to rest on too. But their coos and their warmth and their growing recognition of your face and of your presence and the little smiles that you think just MIGHT be in response to seeing you are more than enough to melt your heart to butter and make you miss them even when you put them down to go to the bathroom.

This love is intense.

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A few little tidbits that I want to remember:

The Bean Burrito is getting so big! We don't know their weights and won't until they go back to the Pediatrician for their 2 month check, but he looks so much more filled out and has the pudgiest little cheeks. He's awake more and more during the day and has a voracious appetite. He's a good eater but hasn't had much more than a 3 hour stretch of sleep yet.

M&M is also growing but her face is changing in a different way. She had very full cheeks when born, but her head seems to be elongating a bit and so it appears her face is thinning out. She is also growing like a weed, but I suspect that the Bean Burrito will out weigh her at their 2 month check up even though she was bigger at birth. She is also much more aware and looks around her environment at ton. She's particularly fond of the light colored wall hanging we have on a dark wall in our living room.

(And we are seriously using this room literally as a living room right now. We spend 99% of our day here, with one of us sleeping on the couch most nights since they are sleeping in their rock n plays instead of their minicrib... we'll get there... ) She is also smiling a bit and it seems that it is in response to our faces smiling back at her. I think she smiled at Tidy this morning with a purpose 3 times. She is sleeping a bit longer at night and 2 nights ago slept almost 5 hours straight! It was AMAZING!!!

They both must be going through growth spurts as they are cluster feeding like champs. Last night it was me, my double breast feeding pillow (which is a lifesaver by the way), my iphone, my water bottle and a very attentive husband from about 6pm to 10pm as they nursed, and nursed and nursed. This has been going on and off for about a week now. I get a bit anxious about being tied to my couch, but then I remind myself that I want to exclusively breast feed my babies as long as I can and I know that I will miss this closeness when it is gone, and relax.

Finally, Tidy is amazing. We get snippy at each other from time to time and I think I am doing a pretty good job of not micromanaging him, but there are moments when I tell him to "do this" or "don't do that." He hates to be told what to do, so we usually have some sharp words here and there. But overall, we are working very well together as a team and he is such an amazing dad. I am grateful for his partnership in this.

Month 1 - Time Warp!

Before I start this post, just as quick reminder to VOTE in the Hope Award for Best Blog!! (Mine is a nomination. See the picture on the right...)

I think I'm in some sort of a time warp... or maybe that's just what parenting and sleep deprivation does to you. I can not believe that my babies are 1 month old already but at the same time it feels like they have been here forever.

Here's a picture of them from this past Friday when I tried to get them to sit up next to each other, without crying. M&M is on the left and the Bean Burrito is on the right:

They crack me up... Already they have very distinct personalities.

M&M is our little drama queen. She's very peaceful most of the time, but when she wants something, say like a diaper change or some time at the breast, she goes from a little whimper to a wail very quickly.  Here's her peaceful face. Don't get sucked in, it's deceiving:

The Bean Burrito is a little less likely to get very worked up, but he makes TONS of noises. Lots of grunts and coos and gurgles. Oh, and the facial expressions on him are PRICELESS! He always looks as if there's a lot going on in his head, as if he's really analyzing the world in front of him. Here's one of my favorites:

They are both eating very well and I'm quite thankful that breast feeding is sustaining them right now. They eat every 2 or so hours during the day, mostly because we have started waking them up every 2 hours during the day if they are asleep, in hopes of shifting their longer sleeps into the evening. I know this takes some time to do, but last night we actually got some good results. They both slept for almost 6 hours! This did, however, come after a MARATHON cluster feed from 8pm to midnight last night. Almost 4 hours of continuous feeding!

I spent a lot of time on KellyMom and La Leche League websites trying to understand if there was something wrong, of if this was just some type of phase that they go through and it seems that this cluster feeding is all very normal. So, for now, I'll just resign myself to being a milk pimp for as long as I need. Hopefully the long feed will the result in more consistent longer sleeps, as happened last night.

I think I'm going to have to sign up for Net.Flix to get some good things to watch on my iPad as I spend the evening hours tied to a couch with my double breast feeding pillow and babies in tow...

As for Tidy and I, we are doing well. He is an amazing father. I simply can not say how much more my love for him has grown seeing him be a parent. He has jumped in full force, changing diapers, swaddling, rocking, trying to coddle them and letting me nap or shower. It's been a true partnership and I am very thankful.

On the healing front, I'm finally at a place where I can mostly resume normal activity. They don't want me to run quite yet, but yoga, walking, and even swimming are back on the table! The c-section wound, that was re-open due to infection is getting better each and every day. I won't go into details here of how I have had to take care of it,  but as of now, I can treat it as just a superficial wound... YAY! I will have my 6 week check with my OB a week from Tuesday and hopefully get the all clear to start some type of more vigorous exercise too (when I find time, of course... Ha!)

The exercise will also help me get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, hopefully. As of last week I had lost 25 of the 45 I gained. So only about 20 left to go. I think breast feeding twins is helping too because each day my stomach looks a little smaller... Toned? Not so much...But at least getting back to a more "non pregnant" shape.

That's about all I have right now. My sleep deprived brain is not allowing me to come up with much in the way of whit, so this post ended up being just an update of sorts, but I hope at least you enjoy the pictures.

(Shameless Plug) VOTE FOR ME!!

I'm so very excited! I was nominated this year for the "Best Blog" for Resolve's Hope Award.

The Best Blog award is given to a blog written by someone living with infertility and whose post raises awareness about what life is like when faced with infertility. Each year, during National Infertility Awareness week, bloggers were asked to participate in the "Don't Ignore..." Blogger's unite project.

I submitted this entry, entitled:  Don't Ignore the Ignorance... Educate!  about a suburban town's debate over building a fertility clinic in their bustling main street area, near a school and a church. It was a heated debate and I tried to keep my thoughts away from the religious point of view (which was part of the protestor's arguments), but more so on a comment that one made relating children from fertility treatments as commodities...

It was a heartfelt post, especially during the later stages of my pregnancy when I was getting ready to meet my two beautiful, hard fought for, babies.

Please take some time to visit RESOLVE's website and read all of the entries for this year's Hope Award and place your votes!

I'm honored to be nominated with these other wonderful bloggers! May the best post win!

Full Circle

We took our babies yesterday to the fertility clinic where they were conceived to show them off. It was much more emotional than I thought it would be. I always felt close to my RE and when I saw her again for the first time since our 7 week ultrasound way back in early November, we hugged and I let out a few tears of joy and relief. 

I don't think it solidly hit me until we entered the clinic again with babies in our arms that we have finally achieved our dream... we have our take home babies. And this group of doctors, nurses and staff played such a monumental role in helping us see that dream come true. With out them, M&M and the Bean Burrito would not be a part of our lives.

I emailed them after we left and told them all that although our road to these beautiful babies was long and bumpy, I honestly would not have traded a single second of it for these two. M&M and the Bean Burrito are most definitely the babies that we were meant to have. 

Each time I look at them, I get a deep feeling of love and pain. It's very very striking how these two emotions fit so well together. I finally understand the statement of "I love you so much it hurts". Truly... I love them so much that my heart breaks ever time I stare at their eyes, or put their sweet faces up to mine to feel their soft skin, or hold them to my chest as they curl up and nuzzle in, or nourish them with my own body and hear them drink away at my breast. 

I am truly and utterly in love.

I am also eternally grateful to our doctors for their skill and support for all of these years. It will be strange to not really be in contact with the wonderful people in our clinic who helped us finally achieve our dream. 

Yesterday we say our journey come full circle and although it is cliche, while one door closed a whole new world has opened.

The Detour...

... so, as I said in our birth story post, all was going well. Babies were born very healthy and ready for this world. We spent our 3 nights in the hospital from our c-section and decided to take the extra 4th that they offered, just for one more night of sleep. On the 3rd night however, I spiked a fever. They took a look at my incision and noticed there was more redness and swelling there than there should be at this point. I also had a ton of rash like areas on my back and abdomen and everywhere else they had put adhesive tape during the surgery. I was a mess.

After an evaluation by the attending OB, they decided to start me on a triple cocktail of IV antibiotics to help the infection. I would be monitored for the next 24 hours and hope that this helped decrease my temperature and redness. The babies and Tidy were still in my room and would stay there until we decided differently.

Unfortunately, after 2 days of monitoring, my fever wasn't staying down, as I would spike a little one somewhere around 101 degrees ever 24 hours or so. Additionally, the wound wasn't getting better. The OB resident decided to bring the attending back in for a consult and also involve the Infections Disease (ID) attending at that time. They came up with a plan: Switch up the IV antibiotics and open up the wound to let it drain and hopefully heal better.

The next day, a team of 3 doctors came in to assess the wound and my situation. They took some blood and asked me if I wanted some pain meds for the procedure. I opted for just gritting my teeth as I had had way too many pain meds the first few days of my C-section recovery and they make me feel like ass. I was dry-heaving and drowsy when on them. I wanted so baldy to be free of those meds... so acetaminophen and ibuprofen were all that I took. They proceeded with the wound opening by taking out the first two layers of stitches in my incision and letting all of the infection drain. The pain of the procedure was not too bad, just like bee-stings. Luckily the other deeper layers of the incision looked clean and were healing well. So no need to do anything further. They packed the wound with gauze and put a light air-flowing dressing on the top.

It's amazing to me how they let these wounds heal. It's not how you would think... They don't re-stitch it back up. They leave those layers open, and have it be packed and unpacked with gauze to help stimulate better blood flow and healing to the area.  It's called "open wound care". I won't go into too many more details here, but I never thought I would be doing something like this to my body. Very strange.


We were on the path to healing. The opening of the wound helped a lot, my fevers had subsided a bit and they switched me to 1 IV antibiotic instead of the 3. The babies had also been discharged at this point from the hospital since they were healthy and they really didn't need the nursing care anymore. But we decided to keep them in the room with us because we wanted to continue the family bonding and breast feeding. This discharge was good news, but also bad because it meant that we couldn't use the nursery at night anymore to help us get a bit of sleep.  On top of that, I was having my vitals checked 4x a day. Rest was very hard to come by.

The next day, after my blood test results came back, ended up being one of the worst days of my stay there. Apparently, my white blood cell count levels were way too high, that they were on par with that of a leukemia patient... higher than expected given the infection. So the team of OBs, ID and now a general surgeon attending, had me going from one test to another. I had 2 cat scans, a chest x-ray, a pelvic and leg ultrasound and numerous swabs and cultures taken. The goal of all of these was to rule out any sort of other deeper infection that they couldn't see just on the surface with the wound infection. The day was pure hell. I woke up at 6:30am and didn't have more than 15 minutes alone with my babies and my husband until about 3pm. During that time were all the tests and the consults with the doctors. There was talk of possible uterine infections from left over placenta, a gall bladder infection that might need to be operated on, other abscess of infection deeper in my peritoneal cavity... Thankfully all of these tests came back negative and there was nothing else causing such a high wbc other than the wound infection.

This confused the team however, and with 5 different doctors (between the various areas and residents and attendings) they couldn't come up with a good plan to get me out of the hospital, especially because I was till running a little temperature every 36 hours or so. And, once that happened, the protocol of the hospital was that I couldn't leave until I was 48 hours with out a fever. As you can imagine, taking my temperature was a very nerve wrecking thing, especially when a temp meant at least another few days before we could go home.

This was all occurring during the week of June 17th. Also a point to note, my OB, the one who saw me through my blissfully easy pregnancy, was out of town and unaware of all of this.

On Thursday, June 22nd, he was in the hospital for a c-section and stopped by my room. I looked at him and began to cry immediately. I could tell he felt badly for me and was frustrated that I was still there. He was not the attending on call that day, and he was still learning more about my case, so he couldn't take much action that day, but I could tell he wanted to take matters into his own hands. The hospital machine is a funny thing... after having so many different doctors opine on my infection and care, it was very hard to really understand who was responsible for what. What were we really waiting on to determine if I could go home? The wbc count to come down? The fevers to stop? The infection to look better? It's so hard to say, especially when you can't get one straight answer out of anyone.

Additionally, at this point, they decided it was best for me to be moved to a surgical wing instead of the post-natal suites we were in since the nursing staff was better equipped to handle my case in that unit. The new rooms were a MAJOR downgrade from the hotel like suites we had been for over a week. Adding this into the extended stay along with  little to no sleep proved to be a very depressing few days for me.

While I was showing sings of improvement over the next few days, not all of the measures were going together. So no one was saying when I could go home. I began to get very very sad and wanted so badly just to be in my own bed with my own food, nurturing my babies in a proper environment, unhooked from IVs and such.

Finally, on Sunday, June 24th, my OB was back on call as the attending that day and he stopped in. In my mind, I was hoping for a Monday or Tuesday release, but when he came in, he said, "Let's get you outta here today" we all brightened up! My mom & dad were in the room as well and they were very impressed with his thought process. Basically he said, although things weren't prefect, there is no reason that I couldn't be doing this healing at home. None of the interventions that they had me hooked up to right now couldn't be adapted to be done at home. I could do the wound care on my own with an out-patient clinic and I could move over to oral antibiotics.  Tidy and I looked at him and said,"Um!! These are the things we've been trying tell the other docs all along! AND I can guarantee that I will heal faster at my home rather than in this depressing place".

So, within about 2 hour, we had our discharge papers signed and a prescription for an oral antibiotic. We had our bags packed and our babies loaded up into the double stroller. And even though I still had a fever, I could already feel a healing wave wash over me. There is something truly to be said for the environment in which you are healing.

Since my release, you will be happy to know that the infection is clearing up, the wound is healing, I have not spiked any fevers, I am breathing beautiful fresh air, I am sleeping (as much as one can with twins) in my own bed, I am nursing my babies and I am resting whenever I can so that my body heals quickly.  We are on the mend and making up for the lost time in the hospital.

One thing I do know, is that I will never ever take for granted the road that we took to get these babies home. They are what kept me going trough the seemingly endless day/nights at the hospital that blurred into one long hellish event.

I know my story could be worse. I know that I am blessed to have two beautiful healthy babies. I know that we have a lot to be grateful for and not everyone gets their take home babies. So I will focus on that... on these two little lives that struggled so hard to get here, to our home... and take all of the strength that I can from this experience and turn it into strength to parent these two amazing babies.