Cancer SUCKS!

I spent this past Thursday night at a benefit for a friend from elementary and high school who is battling 2 cancerous brain tumors. It was an amazing night, reaffirming what a wonderful community of people I was raised with. You can read about my friend's journey here if you like. She's an inspiring person. As she walks through this journey, fighting for her life, she holds her head high and tries to find peace in here day with her family and with what she has at the moment. She is about one quarter of the way through 2 years of chemo that will hope to shrink her brain tumors so that she can go on living her life with a bit less worry for a while and enjoying her beautiful family and friends.

A few posts ago, she was talking about finding a way to let go and also learn to say no, and be a bit selfish. I feel like this was a lesson that I learned with infertility too. It made me slow down and say, what truly matters to me right now. It made me learn to let go of the fret and fear and worry and planning and doing that I felt like I needed to do to get to my goal so that I could find some level of enjoyment in my current life, even while trying to achieve parenthood. But then I felt bad, likening my struggle to hers. I'm trying to create life, and she is trying to save life. It felt unfair. It felt like I was minimizing her struggle...

But you know how beautiful of a person she is? How thoughtful? She took a vacation with her husband up to a relaxing place and they spent some time in a chapel. She lit candles for all of her friends struggling with her own things. And one of those candles was for me... In all of her pain, and worry, and fight, she was thinking of me. (She didn't know we were pregnant yet)

Can you believe that? That, my friends, is compassion... Compassion for others, even in your own time of pain and suffering and need.

I will try my hardest to remember this story when I find myself losing compassion.

So I spent the night catching up with old friends, reminiscing about who did what, when, bidding on silent auction items, drinking St. Pauli Girl N/A, celebrating my friend and helping to raise money to kick cancer's ass!!!

And now, the stats & a new bump picture:

Status: 19w2d

Weight Gain: Same status as last week, so I don't know, but I'm SURE it's starting to pile on!

Symptoms: Feeling a few more bubbles and pops in there when I am sitting still, but nothing consistent yet. Gallbladder pain is still there, but I'm learning to eat a bit differently and am managing the pain just fine, for now. My mid back gets sore, especially when sitting in one place for too long, and I still haven't had a massage, but I do have one scheduled in a few weeks. YAY!

Cravings: Nothing very obvious, except for some green pepper cravings still and oranges. I also bought a small bag of Swedish fish today... YUM!

Aversions: Again, none to speak of

Exercise: Saturday & Sunday - walked a TON around the stores as we got some of our registering done. I was out shopping for 4 hours each day. Does that count as exercise? Monday - 1 hr spinning, Tuesday - 45 min power flow yoga at home, Wednesday - 45 min lunch time yoga at work. If we count the weekend walking at the mall (and no, not mall-walking), I guess we can say that was 4 times this week. Also, on the running note, I think I've decided to stop that, for now. The placenta previa, although very minimal has me just a tad bit nervous that I'd rather be safe than sorry. So, for now, no running. I'm going to have to see if I can make that elliptical machine my friend.

Best Moment of the Week: The benefit I went to on Thursday. It was so great to catch up with old friends and to feel the love of an amazingly giving and supportive community.

What I Look Forward to: Feeling some more distinct movement and having Tidy able to see/feel it too.

A Little Bit Conceited

15 week belly!!! It's really there... starting to look like a pregnant belly... That's me!! With a pregnant belly!!! Can you believe it?!?!?

This picture makes it seem like it grew a lot in the last few weeks. But while it might look kind of big in the picture here, I think it depends on how I stand, or pose, or if it's in the morning versus the evening.... So I think I'll try to take my pictures all at the same time of day, right in the morning (before the bloat sets in)

So this belly thing is weird still, but I'm starting to want to show it off a little, or at least not try to hide it so much. I'm not sure if it's because I want to convince people that I'm not just a little pudgier, or if it's just that I'm really starting to get excited about this. Either way, I think I need to start 'owning' this belly.

I've found that I feel mostly excited about it when I'm at the gym in my spinning and running clothes kind of looking in the mirror to see if maybe people might think I'm pregnant and think, good for her, she's staying in shape while pregnant. How conceited is that, huh? A good blog friend wrote about this once in her post at the end of her recent pregnancy... and now I totally get it!

But I really think that this excitement about the belly specifically at the gym is due to the fact that I still just get so damn giddy during and after I've had a good workout, thinking to myself "Look at me!!! I'm pregnant AND I'M RUNNING!!!"

...and that's not really any big feat. People run all the time while they are pregnant, way way more than me. But I think its one of the ways that I am laughing in the face of fear with this pregnancy. FEAR.... YOU DON'T OWN ME! After all of these years, of disappointment and worry and what if's, I shall not carry that over into this new phase. I will not let it rule me. And so, as I run and spin with a smile on my face and a little glance in the mirror at the belly, I'm really just reveling in the freedom and weightlessness that I feel from overcoming this part of fear that many of us infertiles have once we do finally get pregnant... The, I-got-pregnant-and-now-I-want-to-live-in-a-bubble-for-9-months kind of fear.

And now...the stats:

Status: 15w0d

Weight Gain: I'll finally know this on Monday at my check up with my OB. I think I'm going to be shocked. Any guesses? 10 lbs, 15???  I'm gonna guess 11.

Symptoms: Tension headaches are still here, but manageable. I"m going to talk with my OB about them at my appointment on Monday to see if maybe they are a sign of anemia.. Other than that, not much to speak of at all, although I am starting to feel a bit more sluggish with the extra weight, for example, it's harder to climb up the stairs at work and it's harder to get out of the car. I think maybe that's because I can't use my ab muscles just aren't as effective as they were before...

Cravings: Still on the OJ thing, and now grapefruits. I've also been really into bagels and cream cheese, oh and green peppers! Earlier this week, green pepper pizza sounded amazing to me! And before pregnancy, I would cringe at green peppers on my pizza! Amazing what the body does, huh?

Aversions: Non really to speak up. My chocolate affliction that I had pre-pregnancy is coming back a bit.

Exercise: Sunday - 1 hr warm power flow yoga, Tuesday - 3 mile run on the treadmill, 45 min non-warm power flow yoga, Today - 1 hr spinning class.... SO it seems that I can get my butt to the gym about 3 times a week, but I think I need to up this a bit while I can and get my body a bit stronger to handle the weight that I know is going to start to pack on. Let's go for 4 times this week, k?

Best Moment of the Week: Nothing really to do with pregnancy, but the Pog has been super sweet lately. Monday was still a holiday for me but Tidy had to work. So Pog and I woke up with Tidy early and after he left, I made a bagel and cream cheese, along with a glass of OJ and got back into bed to read some magazines and do some Internet surfing. Then after about an hour of luscious laying in bed, I feel back asleep for a 2 hour nap. Bliss!

What I Look Forward to: Getting some of our estimates back and the work started on our house. We need some new insulation in the attic and in the ceiling of the garage to get the bedroom area of the house a bit more baby friendly. It's a little drafty right now!