Hope vs. Certainty

"I've been living in hope for so long, that certainty has become a much more desirable way to live" ~ some guy who was talking on NPR this morning as I was half listening and half driving to work (well, I mean, really I WAS paying attention to my driving, but... I do it every day that I COULD do it in my sleep, right?)

That's just another way to say how I've been feeling lately. I have no control over how many of these next steps are met and hoops are jumped through. I have no control over when my new donor will start stims, or if she will get many eggs, or how many embryos will grow by day 5 or if we get to transfer any and if a baby sticks around... And so I've focused on what is certain in my life right now and tried to enjoy and appreciate that.

Living in hope is important, yes, because a hopeless world is just plain sad, but carrying that hope for so long (long relative to me and this journey, not relative to many other people who have struggled with much worse for much longer)... carrying that hope for so long is tiring and burdensome. It's hard to keep hoping so outwardly and in front of your focus each and every day when you get setbacks and knocked down. So focusing on certainty has helped lighten that load.

What is certain right now? Work is incredibly busy. The fall weather is amazing and I am absolutely loving it. I have a lot of fun things planned in these next few weekends. Tidy is a fantastic hubby and friend... and Pog is just plain cute.

Thank you NPR for yet another snippet that really puts in a nutshell how I've been feeling lately. Sometimes you just, SO get me!

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On the cycling front, I stopped my estrogen at the end of last week and waited for my period to begin.  I'm going in for my NEW baseline appointment tomorrow and hopefully I will get the go-ahead tomorrow to start estrogen again to rebuild my lining.  (These hot flashes from Lupron and no Estrogen are RIDICULOUS!!!) And then based on my timeline and Dotty 2.0's timeline, we should finally be starting stims soon... "hopefully"