Because of this, especially because of my mom's history, I have always had a deep fear of suffering from post-partum mood disorders and it is a deep enough fear that, for a long time I didn't even want to have kids. I feared that if I did, I would turn into my mom's disease.
Right now, Tidy and I are in a grove. We communicate well, we let each other have independence when we need it, we share responsibilities in our house in a pretty equal manner, and we actually like hanging out together. We're a great team and I am grateful for that. I must be honest, however, that I worry this may change with the arrival of our twins. Twins that we have wanted for so long, and worked so hard to get to, but will be life changing nonetheless.
I've heard people say it to me 10 million times, "Oh Tippy, you have NO idea... Life is going to be SOOO different. You will be so tired and out of it that you won't know which end is up." Yeah, I get it. It's gonna be hard, and life changing. Thanks. I'm not sure how that helps me now, but....
...what I do feel is that Tidy and I are strong and we can get through this, together. Yes, we have no idea what we are in for, but we will work through this, in our own way, as a team. This is what I want, and hope for this new part of our lives.
But then my fear of post-partum issues takes over and I worry what if I slip into some type of anxiety or depression and I don't team with Tidy well? And he can't convince me to get help? And we fall apart... and and and...
So I wanted to write to you, Tidy, some words of promise that we can both come back to after our babies are born and we are both sleep deprived, and anxiously trying to figure out how to care for twins:
Dear Tidy,
Here are my promises to you as we anticipate our entry into the world of parenthood:
- I promise to be your partner in raising our children and I promise to let you be mine
- I promise to try not to micromanage your parenting (Notice I said "try" here, as we both know this will be a challenge for me, but if I can learn how to not micromanage you in the kitchen, then there is hope I can in parenthood as well... ;-) )
- I promise to listen to you if you have concerns about my emotional well being and consider your thoughts on how to improve my health
- I promise to find time for you each day, to look you in the eye and say "hello" and "I love you", even if it is for just 2 minutes, and we both want just crash on the couch and sleep for a week
I am scared, and excited, and hopeful, and have so many different emotions right now. But mostly I know that we will enter into this new stage as a team, as one... I have faith in you, in me and in us. I love you more today than I have ever loved you and I can only imagine seeing you as a father will deepen this.
