Chip, meet Shoulder

I definitely think I have a little chip on my shoulder. I'm assuming most of us IF girls do, and it doesn't leave us even when pregnant.

This past wednesday, I started my first week of an 8-week series prenatal yoga class at my health care clinic. I walked in repeating to myself, "Be open to this, you can do this, don't put up huge walls"

But I did.

For so long, I've strived to be part of this pregnant lady and mom club. I wrote an old blog post about feeling like I've been outside of a big glass castle, looking into it with all of the moms and moms-to-be in there, wanting so badly to there, to be part of the group, but not being able to find a way in.

As I walked into my yoga class, I felt like this was my first chance to step into that glass castle, but as I entered, I felt jaded, and judgmental, and like I didn't really want to get to know any of them in there, even if they did struggle...

Before we actually got into any yoga, we all sat around in a circle and introduced ourselves, where we were in our pregnancies, and what we hoped to get out of this yoga class. As everyone was talking, I could feel my self just sitting there, thinking smug thoughts. Thoughts like, "Oh, I bet this was easy for you", or "Look at how fat and unhealthy you are, and you can get pregnant?!"Yes, I know, this makes me seem like a bitch. And sometimes, there are parts of my thoughts that are, but it's the truth of the moment, and that's the point of blogging right? I am not really a bitch, but I sure do have bitchy thoughts sometimes.

I don't really wonder why I have this chip on my shoulder. It's obvious right? I mean, after 5 years of failure, one gets a little jaded. And even getting pregnant doesn't cause all of those feelings of jealousy and envy to go away. Pregnancy is amazing and I'm so grateful to feel these little babies inside me, but it doesn't erase the years of pain and sadness overnight. And who knows, maybe I will always carry a little chip on my shoulder. But the trick is to not let it affect your interactions with others.

So my goal for next week's prenatal yoga class: Try to have less bitchy thoughts, or, if I have them, acknowledge them, and let them pass.

And now, the stats..


Status: 20w2d

Weight Gain: I weighed in at the OB on Thursday afternoon... I'm up 19 lbs!!! I'm really not sure if that's too much or too little, but I don't think it's too little or just right. My OB doesn't believe that my weight gain is correlated with the health of the babies (within reason). Ie, if I'm gaining weight and the babies are growing well and together, then that's good. No need to worry about 5 lbs here or there.

Symptoms: Similar to last week, some more consistent movement, but they are still small little bubble feelings. Also, the gallbladder seems to be not as annoying lately! I think it's some of the diet changes I have been making. A "fun"new symptom is being extra burpy and having some reflux. If I eat and then move around  bit, I get some of those lovely spit up burps.. BLECH! SO GROSS!! It reminds me of my youngest sister, who used to complain about all the pregnant women in her office who were always burping and farting and she was just so grossed out by them. I think I've joined that club!

Cravings: This week, really none to speak of. Pretty normal appetite and thoughts on food.

Aversions: Again, none to speak of

Exercise: This week was a pretty bad week for working out. Only yoga at my prenatal yoga class. Why you ask? All of a sudden this week, I became a bit paranoid about exercising and this pregnancy. I had a few nights where I was just so terrified of losing my babies (not because of any symptoms, but just general anxiety) that I started thinking about all of my actions way too much. But after talking with my OB on Thursday he helped get my head back on straight. All of my exercise is fine, and honestly, it's not really a lot, at all. He just wants to make sure that I'm listening to my body and going at a moderate to light pace. So, I will continue along with yoga, spinning, elliptical (instead of running) and get back into the pool to swim, modifying where I need.

I think one of the issues here is that some people have been vocal to me about taking it easy and resting and really not going in my life at full speed, which I honestly have not. I've slowed my life down a lot, for me... but the people who have had bad things happen to them in their pregnancies are the most vocal. They are the ones that don't want to see me or anyone else go through what they did. And it is greatly appreciated and I understand it comes from a good place, but it does more harm than good on my psyche. Bottom line, moderate/light exercise is not going to causes something catastrophic to happen. Catastrophes are not in my control. But staying healthy and strong is. And I need to do that for my own mental health and for the health of these babies. So, this week, I hope to get back to the gym to get that blood flowing again.

Best Moment of the Week: Being able to cry in my OB's office and have him calm my fears. I know that he "has my back" in this. I can come to him whenever I am feeling worried or anxious. He wants me to trust him and stop looking on the internet. (I confessed that I tend to pursue PubMed a lot when I'm worried about a particular issue). And so I will. From now on, no more fear mongering. Just me, my OB and my body!

What I Look Forward to: Getting back into an exercise routine.

Bittersweet Eggs and Wise Friends

Life, and the way I navigate through it, certainly takes me by surprise sometimes.

Today should be a happy and hopeful day for me. Dotty 2.0, our "rock star" egg donor, underwent her egg retrieval. And before I get into all of my thoughts on this, I will tell you the end of the story first...

...She did great. Fantastic actually. They retrieved 24 eggs...2 dozen...2 of those grey-ish cardboard cartons full of fabulous eggs. Pretty amazing, huh?

While I know this is a big hoop that we jumped through today, I'm sad too. The reminder that they are not "my" eggs creeps back in and I grieve a little bit again. A friend from one of my chat boards did warn me that I might feel this way, however, so I was prepared at least. She has been through this before and shared with me on the day of her donor's egg retrieval, she too felt sad. It was supposed to feel great, right? But because she literally had no part in that day, it was another reminder of the loss of her own eggs.

And that's exactly how I feel today. Bittersweet.

I definitely can find some of the sweet in here. 24 eggs is fantastic. This should give us a good shot, pending our fertilization report tomorrow. But the bitter lingers too. My husband's dna is mixing with some other woman's dna as we speak! (Cheater!!!) Oh, and I think my competitive nature is also getting to me. I couldn't produce 24 eggs myself. My ovaries feel defeated. My goal, however is to not let this linger too long. I want to wake up tomorrow and start to focus on "our" embryos, rather than "her" eggs.

I am lucky to have very wise friends, however. They are giving me the strength and cushion I need. One friend said she wished I lived closer to her. She would make a flower lei for me and we would take a walk out to the ocean and put my sadness and loss into the lei and let it float out to the sea... I love this visual.

Another friend commented on how truly amazing the human experience is. She said: The beauty of the human heart is that it can hold so many emotions at once. So hold, in your mind's eye, the baby picture of your donor and see it as a projection of your own baby to smother with kisses....and fill your life with memories.
And finally, another friend sent me a quote from her calendar for this months which said, "Open your arms to beautiful moments, and they will come to you"

Like I said, they are wise friends.
So with that, I will honor my sadness today because it is a valid and honest, but I'm also heading out the door to spend 3 hours at my yoga studio to clear my mood and focus on the beautiful moments that are here and yet to come.