Things

Things I've put into my body in the last 24 hours to help make me feel better, and THEY have not: Red Wine, Dark Chocolate, Pepperoni and Green Olive Pizza - Hot, Pepperoni and Green Olive Pizza - Cold, Salad with Blue Cheese, Beets and Pecans

Things I've wanted to put into my body in the last 24 hours to help make me feel better, but HAVE not: Vali.um, Weed, Tequila

Maybe I need to try Ice Cream, next?

Or, Maybe I should just try the second list above.

Kidding... kind of.

It's Friday night. Tidy's out golfing with some friends because its finally sunny out and the sun makes him happy. I'm at home on the couch with a glass of wine and the cold pizza, salad, the computer, the TV and the Pog.

I'm jealous of Tidy sometimes. I wallow for a few days, weeks, after a failed IVF, while he sometimes just moves on and ignores it in a sense. I'm not sure it's quite 'ignoring', but he pushes past it, or away, and tries to go do stuff to get out of the house. I asked him last night why he doesn't cry. Doesn't he want to? Doesn't he ever feel like crying? He said he gets more angry, not sad, and then just wants to say fuck it. But sometimes, while I don't ever want him to be sad, I'd like to see him cry about this. Not once through this have I seen a tear shed. I know he feels terribly, but I'd just like to see him break down and go through the same feeling that I go through.

Why though? Will it make me feel better? What would that accomplish? Maybe then I would know that he truly understands how I feel.

Its funny how two people can grieve together yet so differently.

Making Room

This quote came to me a few days ago from my friend, Mags (oh, wise one). It's from Pe.ma Chod.ron, if anyone is familiar with her teachings... Right now it is one of the things (besides the arms of Tidy and the love of my friends) that is giving me comfort.

"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."

Hope this brings some of you who are grieving some peace as well.