I'm still infertile

I still am infertile, sub fertile, suck at getting pregnant.. whatever... That's still who I am.

But I own it now. I own infertility, it doesn't own me.

I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, but it's place in my life is one of an identity, a battle scar, a little thing that I "show" people here and there when the timing is right as part of the fabric of who I am. 

I wonder sometimes how others feel after they've reached the other side and have succeeded in having a child or two after a long fought battle. I still think about it. And I still think about you all who are on the other side, struggling to get to this one. Rooting for you with all of my hope and might. You are in my thoughts, even though I'm not here often.

It comes up in conversation. People ask if twins run in our family, but I usually say something like, "No, it took us a long time, we had to use fertiilty treatmeitns"

(Yeah, just doing my part at perpetuating the myth that all fertility treatments end up in multiples... You can thank me later ;-) )

It comes up in the quite times in our house when the babies are asleep and Tidy and I look at eachother and pause and think, hmm... this is how quiet it was before kids. Remember? And do you remember all of that pain?

We kind of look at eachother with a little nod but we don't go back there. It's strange. It's this weird feeling to know that for so many years (5 to be exact), we were in a lot of emotinal pain and sometimes anger and often sadness. But somehow, we haven't dug deep back into those depths to really feel that again. It feels so very far away.

Having our babies has made it hard to feel that again.

I'm glad.

And I guess I want to let others of you out there who are still going through this know that hopefully, once you have your babies woven into your lives, you will let go of that pain too and it won't be as easy to access as it once was.... or at least I hope that's how it feels for you.

Sure, you can hold onto it, and let it rot inside you, and be bitter... and there will always be reminders here and there of what that used to feel like... Like when a friend tells you she they got pregnant the first month trying, or you over hear conversations of people talking about how they planned the month they wanted to have their baby. Meh.

But overall, the pain is gone. My heart is filled with so much joy and awe that these two crazy little babies are ours. (Mommy loves you guys, more than I can even find words for)

First Day Date and My Baby Boy's Eyes

I often write blog posts in my head, but when I finally get here, I just don't know where to begin. There is so much that I want to say... 

Parenting really is the hardest thing one will ever do. This love is so intense that it absorbs much of your time and thought. For that, I am somewhat thankful, as it forces you to stay in the present, which we all need very much.

Here are a few out takes from last month's "photo shoot" (I do one every month on the same couch with the same outfit, changing out the month sticker for documentation. I'll post the 8 month one soon since we will be taking them this weekend)

Tidy and I had our first real day date a few weekends ago. We had two of my sisters and my parents come to hang out with the babies from noon on Saturday till about 4 or so. No, I didn't require a 2 to 1 babysitter to kid ratio, but I opened up the offer to my family and well, there were a lot of takers. They all live about 3 hours away, so they don't get to see the babies as much as maybe they would like. I gave them enough notice, so I think that they all jumped at the chance. They did a great job at babysitting... the house AND kids were both in tact when we came home. I might even let them come back and do it again!

On our date, Tidy and I went to a day spa for a steam and a couples massage. It was absolute bliss. My body is so beat up from pregnancy, tending to babies, sitting at a desk and typing much of the day and not getting as much time in my life to do yoga as I once did. Needless to say, he worked quite a few knots out of my back. I should probably go back every few days... Ha!

After our lovely time at the spa, we headed to a local coffee shop/wine store/cafe and grabbed a beer to sip and have a late lunch. We found a spot on a couch in there in front of a fire and snuggled up. I cried a few times. I think working out the knots releases emotion and pain and things that have been stored up. The tears were of joy, of gratefulness and of realization, that even though Tidy and I are doing great together, we do need that time to reconnect with each other. It was nice to just sit next to him and not talk about much and feel like you have to accomplish chores at home or sleep because you are tired, or plan for something the next day. I missed him, even though we are together so often.

It reaffirmed that we are doing a great job at this thing we call life and parenting and marriage.

Also, it made me feel good that I did this in my own time. Some might say that we should have done this along time ago, but you know what, we did it when I was ready. And because we waited until I was ready, I was able to go away with him for those hours and be at peace, and present with Tidy.

So thank you my sweet sisters and parents. And thank you Tidy for giving me the space and time to do this when I was ready. I love you more for that than you know.

I also promised a few entries ago some thoughts on the Bean Burrito since I did write a little blurb about M&M and her dancing hands, so below are some observations about my baby boy... the boy with the light in his eyes.

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 My sweet Bean Burrito. We've dropped the Burrito off your nick name quite some months ago, as we don't need to swaddle you anymore. You have such a beautiful soul inside those eyes and I can not wait to hear your voice and have a conversation with you. For a few months now, you have been struggling a bit with pain from teething, we think. I wish you could tell us what is wrong. It's so hard to see you unhappy from time to time.  You had always been my happy baby boy, easy to self soothe and snuggle yourself into bed at night. The past few months though, you need a lot of reassurance and cuddling (I don't mind of course, as I love to extra snuggle time with both of you when I can get it. I know it won't last forever). I think we are getting close to some teeth for you, so I hope hope hope that the fussiness will lessen.

Your eyes melt my heart, baby boy. You smile through them and they sparkle. Months ago, when we had to sooth you and your sister to bed for quite some many hours, I would sing to you "The Rainbow Connection" song and it would quite you and help you rest into sleep. Now, as I nurse you sleep at night, I still sing this song from time to time and I see the recognition in your eyes. You pause and look up at me and those bright smiling eyes make me see the kindness already within you. Your Aunt Coco said to me, "He doesn't look at anyone else the way he looks at you"

I hope that as we walk through life together, I will see that sweet look in your eyes from time to time.