Listen with Your Heart

Well, we did it... We told my mom.

I've been nervous about this for so long, trying to figure out the best way and timing to reveal to my mom that we used donor eggs to help us conceive our babies.  As you know, my mom has some strong feelings about IVF in general and has a very strong faith in God and her religion. Because of this, I have not always felt supported by her in my attempts to have a family. My initial thought is that she would greatly disapprove of this method of family building. I was so anxious that the night before we decided to tell her, I slept like crap and had major anxiety dreams.

Tidy and I went back to see our families this past weekend to celebrate his sister and her husband's 30th birthdays. A few days before that we had a discussion and decided it was time to tell the rest of our immediate families. Up until this weekend, recall, only my 3 sisters and my dad know about our donor egg choice (and a few of our closest friends here in town), but we had made the decision to tell everyone else... at some point... we just hadn't figured out when.

Tidy started to think about it and realized that he'd really like to tell his family sooner than later. He felt like it would have been pulling the wool over everyone's eyes to have them wait to meet our babies first and then tell them after the fact about Dotty 2.0 and what a wonderful gift that she's given to our family. He wanted them to be able to absorb the information and see if they have any questions and get used to the idea if they needed to before they arrive.

I was still on the fence about the best time to tell my mom, but I didn't want her to be the last to know, or have others know, not tell her, and have her find out from others. I also didn't want others to be in a position to have to keep this secret from her.

So we took the plunge and decided to tell her.

My mom and I had plans to go shopping together on this past Saturday to look for maternity clothes for me ... I BOUGHT MY FIRST PAIR OF MATERNITY TROUSERS FOR WORK!!!!! WHEEEEEEE!!!!!!... So I thought before we went, I wanted to sit and have a nice conversation with her. I wasn't exactly sure how to frame it, but when I went into the bathroom near the kitchen, I was looking on the shelf and there were a few little pray booklets sitting there... Serendipitously, one was titled "Listen With Your Heart" and I thought, how perfect is that?!...exactly the approach I will take with my mom... ask her to listen with her heart.

And so I sat her down at the kitchen table with Tidy and I and asker her just that... please, listen with your heart...  and proceeded to tell her how, back in April, we had my sisters up for a visit and charted out all of our options: Surrogate, Adoption, Donor eggs... not really knowing the right path to go down, but having a feeling that I really could carry a baby and we just needed some healthy embryos, we decided to look for a gracious woman to give us a gift... a seed... to help us on this journey. I was tearing up as I told her how much we were thankful for this opportunity and how glad we are we were able to go down this path.

And she teared up as well and simply said, "god has given us these babies to have in our family"... She thanked us for telling her. And I let out a big sigh of relief.... no judgement, as I was expecting, no negativity about our choice, as I was anticipating... just simple acceptance and listening with her heart.

My mom was definitely the rock star of this weekend!

A Little Bit Conceited

15 week belly!!! It's really there... starting to look like a pregnant belly... That's me!! With a pregnant belly!!! Can you believe it?!?!?

This picture makes it seem like it grew a lot in the last few weeks. But while it might look kind of big in the picture here, I think it depends on how I stand, or pose, or if it's in the morning versus the evening.... So I think I'll try to take my pictures all at the same time of day, right in the morning (before the bloat sets in)

So this belly thing is weird still, but I'm starting to want to show it off a little, or at least not try to hide it so much. I'm not sure if it's because I want to convince people that I'm not just a little pudgier, or if it's just that I'm really starting to get excited about this. Either way, I think I need to start 'owning' this belly.

I've found that I feel mostly excited about it when I'm at the gym in my spinning and running clothes kind of looking in the mirror to see if maybe people might think I'm pregnant and think, good for her, she's staying in shape while pregnant. How conceited is that, huh? A good blog friend wrote about this once in her post at the end of her recent pregnancy... and now I totally get it!

But I really think that this excitement about the belly specifically at the gym is due to the fact that I still just get so damn giddy during and after I've had a good workout, thinking to myself "Look at me!!! I'm pregnant AND I'M RUNNING!!!"

...and that's not really any big feat. People run all the time while they are pregnant, way way more than me. But I think its one of the ways that I am laughing in the face of fear with this pregnancy. FEAR.... YOU DON'T OWN ME! After all of these years, of disappointment and worry and what if's, I shall not carry that over into this new phase. I will not let it rule me. And so, as I run and spin with a smile on my face and a little glance in the mirror at the belly, I'm really just reveling in the freedom and weightlessness that I feel from overcoming this part of fear that many of us infertiles have once we do finally get pregnant... The, I-got-pregnant-and-now-I-want-to-live-in-a-bubble-for-9-months kind of fear.

And now...the stats:

Status: 15w0d

Weight Gain: I'll finally know this on Monday at my check up with my OB. I think I'm going to be shocked. Any guesses? 10 lbs, 15???  I'm gonna guess 11.

Symptoms: Tension headaches are still here, but manageable. I"m going to talk with my OB about them at my appointment on Monday to see if maybe they are a sign of anemia.. Other than that, not much to speak of at all, although I am starting to feel a bit more sluggish with the extra weight, for example, it's harder to climb up the stairs at work and it's harder to get out of the car. I think maybe that's because I can't use my ab muscles just aren't as effective as they were before...

Cravings: Still on the OJ thing, and now grapefruits. I've also been really into bagels and cream cheese, oh and green peppers! Earlier this week, green pepper pizza sounded amazing to me! And before pregnancy, I would cringe at green peppers on my pizza! Amazing what the body does, huh?

Aversions: Non really to speak up. My chocolate affliction that I had pre-pregnancy is coming back a bit.

Exercise: Sunday - 1 hr warm power flow yoga, Tuesday - 3 mile run on the treadmill, 45 min non-warm power flow yoga, Today - 1 hr spinning class.... SO it seems that I can get my butt to the gym about 3 times a week, but I think I need to up this a bit while I can and get my body a bit stronger to handle the weight that I know is going to start to pack on. Let's go for 4 times this week, k?

Best Moment of the Week: Nothing really to do with pregnancy, but the Pog has been super sweet lately. Monday was still a holiday for me but Tidy had to work. So Pog and I woke up with Tidy early and after he left, I made a bagel and cream cheese, along with a glass of OJ and got back into bed to read some magazines and do some Internet surfing. Then after about an hour of luscious laying in bed, I feel back asleep for a 2 hour nap. Bliss!

What I Look Forward to: Getting some of our estimates back and the work started on our house. We need some new insulation in the attic and in the ceiling of the garage to get the bedroom area of the house a bit more baby friendly. It's a little drafty right now!

Last Time at the Cabin, Sans Babies

Tidy and I just got back from a little winter getaway to my P's cabin up north.

The first day we were there, we took a 6 mile hike through the woods with the pog. She was EXHAUSTED! I think she went up to her bed by 7p at night (it's usually around 9 or so). It was a beautiful winter hike (although it would have been better if there was snow) through pine forests, meadows and along the lake and sand dunes. We talked about how we love these hikes and hope that we can bring our babies on these through their lives.

The next day we splurged on a spa day. Steam room, massages and pedicures, tea (well, hot coco for Tidy) in a peaceful setting wearing the most comfortable of robes. I could do that once a week if I had the $$. It was bliss and utterly relaxing.

That night, as we laid on the couch by the fireplace, a bittersweet mood came over us. We realized that this is going to be the last time we are at the cabin, alone, without kids. And in that realization, we both had a little sadness, an acknowledge of an ending of the togetherness,  quietness and spontaneity that we currently have in our life without kids. We've love this life. It's been great to us, even with 5 years of infertility, we still found a great groove of Tippy, Tidy and the Pog. And while we are so very excited about our life to be with our babies, there is just a slight bit of sadness of what we are letting go of.

Does that make sense? Anyone else have this realization? It was actually a very sweet and tender moment, knowing how much we both very much treasure the relationship that we currently have. I think, hopefully, this will just make us stronger as we enter life with twins.

Last year, we were also at the cabin around this time and said good bye to 2010.  We started a little ritual of writing down the things we wanted to let go of onto paper and tossed it into the fire. Well this year, we didn't get around to that because 1) it's not new year's eve yet and 2) we felt somewhat nostalgic for this year.

2011 is going to go down in history as the year we finally got pregnant, as the year we conceived our babies. I definitely don't want to let go of those things.

And now...the stats:

Status: 14w1d

Weight Gain: Not sure yet. Won't have another weigh in until my next OB appointment in January. 

Symptoms: Still feeling like a normal non pregnant human except that I am hungry here and there. Nasal congestion is still there, but a little less. Headaches continue, even after some chiropractic care and a massage... 

Cravings: This week it has been green pepper pizza!!! So strange! I definitely don't normally like green peppers.

Aversions: Same as last time, no real aversions, just not craving things I really used to love.

Exercise: Bad week due to the holidays. Sunday - 3 mile run outside.  Tuesday - 1 hr spinning class. Wednesday - 6 mile hike.

Best Moment of the Week: Laying with Tidy on the couch at the cabin in front of the fire holding onto the good that we do have in our lives, somewhat scared of the change, but knowing that we are strong and are going to face our new lives head on, hand in hand.

What I Look Forward to: Finally coming out at work, hopefully this week. I've been waiting on a decision on a job by my Vice President. Long story, but I'm still in the running and I don't want him to know that I'm pregnant until he makes his decision. Hopefully we will find out this week and then I can let me stomach out. Pictures to come soon, I promise.

NT Scan and Body Honesty

Yesterday we had our NT scan. This is the first trimester screening that checks the width of the Nuchal fold on the back of the babies' necks. If the fold is over a certain width, it CAN indicated that the chances the babies have either Trisomy 13, 18 or 21 is higher than the average chances. If the chances are higher, because the fold is larger than "normal" then it can help you decide if you want to proceed further with testing, like having a CVS or an Amnio.

Our twins measurements were all within the normal range and so we won't be going further with any testing. Yay!

The biggest highlight of yesterday though, was just spending time watching them both on the screen, moving around, jumping, jerking, opening their mouths, moving their hands and feet. It was simply and purely awesome.

Here's a few pictures of Baby A's head, Baby B's head and torso and then a 3D picture of them both, hanging out in my uterus. FREAKY!!!  Don't they look so cute all snuggled in there?

I still don't connect, though that those little amazing creatures are actually inside of me. Maybe I'll feel that more when I can start to feel them move, but right now, I just feel a bit fat and hungry.

Which brings me to another thought... Body changes...

I have been thinking about this infertility thing and how it affects you once you are pregnant. One thing I think it does is put a lot of pressure on you to feel ecstatic and amazed at everything your body is going through. And to be quite honest, I simply don't. I don't like my bigger boobs. They get in the way when I blow my nose, when I roll over in bed, when I take a shower, when I do anything... and I surely don't like not fitting into my pants. I feel self conscious. I've lived for so long working hard to stay fit and in shape, so as my body is changing, I'm not really a huge fan... yet.

It's not to say that I'm not amazingly grateful or extremely happy that we ARE experiencing this journey, but I just think that it's a false expectation to put on yourself that you are going to enjoy every aspect of it. Some women do, some don't. There's no right or wrong way to go about it. I wouldn't trade my babies for a thin belly again for any reason, but I'm just being honest here and acknowledging that some of us may not really feel 100% awesome in our pregnant bodies and that's O.K.

Now, maybe down the road as this potbelly turns into an actual pregnant belly and I can feel them move more, I will be more excited about my body changes, but I don't think I'm going to get used to these boobs. Ha!

And now...the stats:

Status: 13w1d

Weight Gain: Not sure yet. Won't have another weigh in until my next OB appointment in January. Even though I like to feel a certain way in my body, I don't use weight as a measurement of that fitness.

Symptoms: Many of the mild symptoms that I did have in the first trimester have all but gone away. I basically feel like a normal non pregnant human except that I am still hungry here and there. I'm also having some fun nasal stuff oh, and now my friends are trying to freak me out about using the neti pot with tap water because of THIS fun article on people dying from a flesh eating amoeba... gross, huh? I figure it's really only surfaced in the deep south, so I'm not gonna get my panties in a bundle over it. (I love that saying). Oh, I've also recently had a few more headaches, but I can't tell if they are hormonal or muscle tension.

Cravings: Yesterday I wanted lots and lots of orange juice. I didn't have any, but I had a ton of those little clementines, so I squeezed juice out of about 10 of them... and got like 1/2 cup of juice. It got me through... But today, I'm definitely going hunting for more OJ. I've been reading up about this and I think cravings are so fascinating. I know they are your body telling you that you need certain things. In pregnancy, one of the things you need more of but is hard to get, especially for vegetarians is iron. And that might be the reason why I am craving OJ, since Vitamin C helps you bind the iron that is found in non-meat sources better. I love the human body. It's amazing, no?

Aversions: Same as last time, no real aversions, just not craving things I really used to love.

Exercise: Friday - 1 hr warm power flow yoga, Sunday - 1 hr spinning class, Tuesday - 3 mile run on the treadmill, 45 min non-warm power flow yoga, Wednesday - does 3 games of bowling count? I was actually a little sore in my bum...

Best Moment of the Week: Peeking inside again with the twins and watching Twin A jump and jerk around in there like it had the hiccups. It was AMAZING!

What I Look Forward to: Telling some of our extended family and friends tonight and tomorrow night.

What a Difference a Year Makes

I'm still an "Infertile", even though we are finally pregnant. I still have feelings of jealousy of people who get pregnant easily and those who talk about expanding their families to their hearts content. I get slightly angry at people who stay stupid things, like "just adopt" or "just relax". This will always be part of me. I don't want to forget it and I won't. It's made me the person I am today and I like who I am.... well, not really the jealous monster part, but the part that tries to be compassionate towards ever person's struggle, and the part that has learned patience and living in the moment... appreciating what you have... right now.

But I will say, one thing that has changed from last year, is my desire to celebrate the holidays. Last year at this time, I wanted to throw away all of the family cards that we got in the mail, especially the handful that announced pregnancies. I didn't want to put up a tree because... meh... who cares. I was in a funk.

But this year there is definitely a different feel. It's not a complete 180, because I've never been a HUGE holiday person, but I definitely feel more festive, more hopeful, more willing to celebrate other's joys. I even went out and did a little shopping yesterday to decorate.

You will notice a few things in our picture: A tree, some holiday colored pillows for the couch, and a wall hanging of our holiday cards from friends.... with their kids! Yup, they are on my wall instead of in my recycling bin. Oh what a difference a year makes, huh?

P.S.... We think Tidy is pregnant too. His appetite has increased, he's not sleeping well, especially on his back, and he has been a bit more irritable. I can't wait to see HIS bump start to form... LOL!

1 T down, 2 to Go! 12 Weeks!

Whoopee!!! We made it through the first trimester. Officially today our chances of miscarriage drop to 1%! (Although, I wonder if it's still a bit higher for twins or multiples... but... no need to over-analyze this, right?)

Thanks everyone for responding to my thoughts on my OB in the last post. So much great advice out there. We are going to have our NT scan next Thursday with the Peri that would be ours if we had one so I will definitely ask her some questions. I just adore this community for its wealth of knowledge.

So, this is going to be the first official 'tracking' post of my pregnancy. I've been searching through other blogs and have found different things that I want to keep note through this amazing experience that we are lucky enough to be on.

 But first.. the belly pics:

6 weeks and 4 days. I hope I can get back there some day.











12 weeks and 0 days. There's definitely a little bit of a bump there. I still feel like it's mostly a food belly and bloat right now because of everything that I've been eating, but I think it's somewhat of a baby bump too. Can you see it? I think, if you have a discerning eye, you can see that the girls have gotten bigger too. (Tidy's happy about that! Ha!)








And now...the stats:

Status: 12w0d

Weight Gain: +4 lbs at my OB appointment last week (11w1d)

Symptoms: Up until now, I really haven't had that many symptoms other than extreme hunger, and if I don't have something in my belly, I either feel a bit icky or a bit faintish. My boobs surely have gotten a lot bigger, but they haven't really hurt. Just the last few days, they are more sensitive, but not painful. I also have not had much fatigue or back pain or heartburn or anything. OH! But I am having some nasal stuff. Always have to blow my nose and have some blood in there too. Sorry, I know... TMI. My neti pot has definitely become a good friend.

Cravings: Recently, not that many, other than just food, food and more food. But in the beginning, I was craving turkey. I dreamed of a whole roasted turkey one night that I found under my kitchen sink, and I just sat there in my dream and devoured it. I've also been really into bubbly water lately and juice. My morning routine is to make an egg and toast and have a glass of 1/3 juice and 2/3 Pelligrino. YUM!  That only lasts me for about an hour before I need to eat more though. Finally, fruit always sounds good: strawberries, pineapple, raspberries, apples. Double YUM!
Aversions: I don't yet have any strong aversions either, but I am definitely not craving the things I usually do: Coffee, red wine, vegetarian type dishes. They don't sound bad, but they don't sound awesome!

Exercise: Sunday - 3 mile run, Tuesday - 1 hr spinning class, Tonight - I WAS going to go to yoga, but a nap on the couch sounded better.

Gender: We've decided not to find out!!! So I won't be tracking this.

Best Moment of the Week: Telling a friend of mine at work who has been so supportive of me these past few years. She was having a bad week and she said, "Tell me some good news" and I told her we were pregnant, with twins... and she cried... It was beautiful!

What I Look Forward to: Buying my first maternity clothes.

Tippy meets OB

I waked into my OB's office yesterday and one of the first few sentences out of my mouth was, "I've spent almost 5 years and 6 figures on getting to this point. These twins mean the world to me. Are you going to be able to handle me as a patient?"


Wait, did I just say that? MY OB??? OH MY GOSH!!!! I HAVE AN OB!!!


Ha! I wish I was even harsher. Like, "Listen hear buddy. I'm going to co-manage this pregnancy with you, so you'd better be ok with that, otherwise I'm heading somewhere else". But I'm bad at being stern.

Ok, back to the story...So I met with my OB for the first time yesterday and it went really well. I first saw his nurse, who used to work in an infertility clinic before this job, so she definitely has a sense for our background, which makes me very happy. She took a lot of my health history and then shared some materials with me.

Then I met with my OB. I of course was hoping for a scan, or a listen for the heartbeats, but I didn't get so lucky. Instead, we just went into his office, me toting my notepad with questions, and he with a comforting smile. After I shared with him my "opening speech" he just looked at me and said,"Go".  Meaning, ok, girl, it's your show, ask your questions away.

So here's what we discussed (Answers in italic)

1. Do you deem me high risk just because this is a twin pregnancy? If so, should we be consulting with a Peri as well? No, I don't think that you are high risk, just because you are having twins. You will get more monitoring after 20 weeks to make sure the babies are growing well and around the same rate, but no, you don't start out high risk. If you want to see a peri, that's your choice, and you can certainly consult with her if you like, but I don't think it's necessary.
2. Do we need to do preventative monitoring of my cervix? What are my chances of cervical failure? Do you do preventative cerclage? The data does not support preventative cerclage, without prior failure, nor does it show that measuring cervical length prevents cervical incompetence. This is something that I'm worried about because I've known 3 moms that lost twins in the 20 week mark due to cervical incompetence. He then said that he would be able to better predict anything going wrong just based on symptoms that I'm having. And he will take care of me. He promises.
3. These are all of the meds that I am currently on: Estrogen, Progesterone, Baby Asprin, Metformin, Lovenox, Prednisone, Pre natal, Extra folic acid. I'm supposed to stop most of them today, but am a bit nervous about it. Do we need to do any other monitoring of blood levels of progesterone to make sure it stays high enough after I go off? No need to monitor any levels. Your progesterone should be high enough because the placenta has taken over the production of progesterone and estrogen at this point.  Clearly stay on the pre-natals and extra folic acid. (See below for Lovenox and Baby Aspirin)
4. I was tested and found to be MTHFR hetero C, which can sometimes be linked to blood clotting disorders. Should I stay on the Lovenox thru the pregnancy? MTHFR alone is not an indication to stay on Lovenox. If your RE wants you to stay on it, I will support that, but I'd prefer you be off it. If you want to stay on the baby aspirin, that's fine with me. I was worried about being off them both, just in case. I'm glad I can stay on the baby aspirin.
5. What extra vitamins and supplements should I be taking? I have not seen any research that indicates taking other supplements are beneficial. Take what you want to take, but don't get a stomach ache. lol! 
6. What are my chances of having a vaginal birth? Of being put on bed rest? We'll talk about that in March. I will probably push you towards a C-section, but if everything is perfect... well, we'll talk. But let's not worry about that until March. As for bed rest, I don't like to put people on it unless absolutely necessary. I like to avoid it and am not a believer that it does much good. I havent' had any twin pregnancies go to bed rest since I've been practicing, and I've had a lot of twin pregnancies.
7. What are your guidelines on weight gain? 35-45 pounds ish?You started on the thinner side, so you could gain a bit more. Listen to your body. Eat when you are hungry. Go get a burger when you are craving it, but don't get it for every meal.
8. Are there any books you recommend following? No, I think they do more harm than good. Especially the twin and multiple pregnancy ones. I don't want you to freak yourself out. Come to me with all of your questions and I will get you through his. I want you to trust me and know that we will have 2 healthy babies in the end of this. 
9. I'm still exercising: running, body pump, spinning, swimming, warm (not hot) yoga. Any recommendations? Your body will tell you when to stop certain things. Do what you want to do as long as you feel good doing it.
10. Is there any other precautions that I should be aware of being 37 and never been pregnant before? No
11. When is my due date? June 28th 2012, but you won't go past 38 weeks, so that puts you at June 14th, 2012.

With that, we talked a bit more about him being the right OB for me and he wanting me to feel comfortable with that, so call him any time, email him, whatever I need to make sure this is right, otherwise, I'm welcome to look for someone different who might approach this differently.

What do you guys think? I do feel comfortable with him, and I know he's got a lot of experience with twins, but I do know some of you twin moms out there would subscribe to a more monitored pregnancy and say I should definitely be seeing a peri, right? I'd be happy to hear all of your thoughts. 

One of my main concerns is that I don't want to go down too many worm holes of worry, so I feel like if I'm with this OB who is not going to be overly anxious about every little thing and just let me navigate this with how I am feeling in my body and mind, (which is the route I prefer in life...) well, then he just might be the best choice for me.

We do have a scan coming up with a Peri in a few weeks and I will definitely be asking her questions about the OB I've chosen and if she subscribes to his theories. 

On another note...I've seen some of you pregnant ladies out there on your blogs answer questions every week about cravings and weight gain and such... but I don't know if there is a standard list of things you document every week? If so, can you email me or in a comment below send me a list of those things you document? I want to start seeing how things change over the weeks and that seems like a great way to do it.

Ok, that's all for now. Heading to bed to dream of these babies...